


Writing A New Verse

by Cthuluigi



Category: Doki Doki Literature Club! (Visual Novel)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Romance, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-24
Updated: 2018-03-24
Packaged: 2019-04-07 14:27:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 25,176
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14082918
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cthuluigi/pseuds/Cthuluigi
Summary: A painful crisis was averted, but the aftermath may be what hurts most of all. He needs her as much as she needs him. It's time to be a hero.





	Writing A New Verse

I gently open the door.

“Sayo-“

“Is that you, Anon?”

Sayori’s normally lilting voice was so hoarse and strained that I almost thought I’d gone to the wrong room. But those blue eyes that watched me as I stepped through the doorway were unmistakably hers, though more dulled than I was used to. What was even harder to process was that the rest of her didn’t seem to match even that little brightness.

She smiles, but it doesn’t reach her ears. The bubbly friend I had known since childhood had always put on a wide smile for everyone every single day – sign number one of her cheerful, unbreakable spirit.

Or so I had thought. As of yesterday, I had been forced to confront an awful truth: said spirit had collapsed, leaving behind a sobbing, self-loathing husk of a girl, so completely unlike the friend I had known for over a decade that it had to be a gloomy alien wearing her skin.

Then, an even worse truth: in all the time I had known her, for years and years, she had been suffering, and I hadn’t noticed a thing.

‘ _Depression_ ,’ she’d said. That wonderful spirit of hers that I used to lean on during times of trouble? There was no spirit, she’d admitted, just smoke and mirrors. Her whole life, her happiness was a façade living on borrowed time, secretly fearing the day she’d no longer be able to wear the mask.

That day had arrived. Just yesterday, all of it had caught up with her. My rejected attempts at comfort and her anguished, desperate confession of love later, she had finally had enough, screaming a terrible, _terrible_ scream to the sky, shutting out the world as she retreated to her house and her own damaged mind, refusing to let anyone else in.

Like the village idiot I was, I left her to her own devices. It nearly cost me everything.

It all culminated in the bandages now wrapped around her neck. What wasn’t a sterile, deathly white was tinged with small red splotches. Just looking at them sent a chill down my spine – a chill that, unfortunately, Sayori noticed. Her eyes are suddenly unable to meet mine, and her fake smile disappears like unwanted homework. She seems much less happy to see me than she did early this morning.

“Hey, Sayori.” I set my backpack down by the door and approached her bed. I leaned in to give her a comforting hug, but Sayori turned to face the wall, pulling the blankets over everything below her eyes.

“I’m sorry, Anon. But not now. I don’t want you to see me like this. Please leave.”

I abandon the hug, but she has another think coming if she thinks she’ll get rid of me that easily. She turns her head to check if I left, but I stood there, my arms crossed.

“Anon…” she started, before sighing.

“This is just your punishment,” Sayori whispered to herself. “You did this to yourself. Now Anon hates you.”

My arms uncrossed. I reached out to her to comfort her, but she shrank further into her blankets. I chose then to cut in. “I don’t hate you, Sayori. No matter how much you think I should. You’re important to me.”

She didn’t seem reassured.

“It’s not even eleven yet, Anon. You’re supposed to be in class.”

“Yeah well, I’m here now. All I could think about all day was how you were doing.”

“I bet you think you’re helping me right now, too.” Sayori couldn’t keep the bitterness out of her voice. She sighed, her voice gentling. “This sort of thing is exactly what I was talking about yesterday. You shouldn’t be neglecting school for my sake. I’m not worth that.”

“Eh, don’t worry. History is boring. Nothing happens in that class. Even if you weren’t here I’d have probably skipped it anyway.” I leaned against the wall, glancing around to make sure no doctors overheard me talking about my truancy. I wasn’t sure if they’d frown on that here, regardless of the reason why.

“Anon!” she rebuked, her head popping out of its blanket cocoon.

“Like you’ve never skipped a class before, Sayori. Come on.”

Her head fell back onto the pillow. “Fair.” She turned back to the wall, her shoulders shaking as tears threatened to roll down her cheeks.

My face fell. Here she was, in the throes of depression, and I had the gall to get angry at her.

“I’m sorry, Sayori.” I sighed. “I think my feelings are just still riding high after this morning. I shouldn’t be taking it out on anyone, least of all you.”

Sayori’s eyes were red and wet as she rolled over to face me. Even the bright red bow in her hair seemed to droop. “Better me than anyone else. This is all my fault. If I wasn’t so weak…”

I couldn’t bring myself to chastise her. I was afraid I’d start shouting again. An awkward silence permeated the room, only broken by the humming of nearby machines. I decided to change the subject.

“How are you feeling?”

She didn’t answer, but her silence wasn’t, as I figured, out of anger.

“Right. Okay. Anyone here, uh, give you a hard time?”

It was a few seconds before she answered.

“Not really. They did some physical tests on me and scanned my brain for any damage. This is actually the first time all morning I’d really been alone, till you showed up. It probably won’t be long before they’re back, though.”

“I’m sorry if I interrupted anything. Honestly, do you really want me to leave you alone? I’ll leave for now if you need some rest or something.”

More silence.

“…No,” she admitted. “I don’t think I could sleep right now even if I wanted to. I’m ninety percent sure I’d have awful nightmares about this morning.”

“You neither, huh?” I replied.

I could sympathize. It was only two in the morning when I found her, yet I had no success going back to sleep afterward.

“I suppose if you absolutely had to visit me here, it’s good that you showed up now,” she added. “The doctors would probably bother you with all sorts of questions if you were much earlier. But I think I gave them most of the answers they needed.”

Truthfully, I had been stopped for some questions once they found out I was here for her. Mostly about how I knew her, and about Sayori’s history with depression, something I hadn’t even been aware of till very recently. But something about how tired and panicked I looked must have caused them to back off with the really tough questions, at least for now.

Something tells me it would only make her feel worse if I mentioned being badgered by the doctors, so I kept my lips sealed.

“I’m sure there’ll be questions for me later. Don’t worry.” I winked at her. “I won’t make you look bad.”

Despite her current mood, she giggled. Her face grimaced in pain as her hand went to her throat.

_I shouldn’t make her talk too much. No doubt she’s hurting, in more ways than one._

There was no way around it. Sayori, my best friend in the whole world, was suffering. The whole time we had known each other, I hadn’t even the slightest clue how bad it was till she outright told me. Part of me wished she had told me about all this sooner, so I could be by her side and help comfort her.

The other part of me knew exactly why she didn’t say a thing. There was the Sayori I knew, and there was the real Sayori. They were one and the same, but I was having an embarrassingly difficult time reconciling the two. Even now, despite her attempted grin, I had to admit I wasn’t sure if I could trust that face right now.

It was no secret that she didn’t want other people to worry on her behalf. And yet at barely past two o’ clock in the morning today, I had burst into Sayori’s room out of that very same worry, only to find her body, suspended by a noose tied to a ceiling beam. She had red marks on her throat dripping blood as she had clawed at the rope, full of despair and fear and regret. By some miracle worthy of every holy book ever written, the two of us had managed to loosen it, and I’d gotten her down safely. She had thrown her arms around me, crying into my shoulder and coughing and thanking me over and over, until the ambulance I called came and took her.

I didn’t go with her. My mind had been too frazzled and full of guilt to think clearly; even though I had saved her, I also had a toxic, sneaking suspicion that I played some role in what she had tried to do. I had told the ambulance workers that I would be okay, that they should focus all their efforts on her, but with only the trauma of confirming all my worst fears at once to keep me company, I didn’t sleep the rest of the night. I wasn’t sure if I’d ever sleep well again.

“Anon?” Sayori’s voice gradually grew more clear, as if I was underwater and had just surfaced.

“Hm?”

Sayori giggled. “A little distracted there?”

“I guess I’m just tired,” I reply. “A lot of stuff did happen this morning, in case you forgot.”

Her face fell. She retreated further into the blankets. “I’m sorry, Anon. For all of this. I’m just being an awful friend.”

“Never mind that.” I sighed. I hadn’t meant to sound so biting. “You weren’t yourself. I’m just glad you’re okay.”

“But even now…” she began. “Even now, I should’ve realized you had a lot on your mind.”

“And I should’ve realized you were depressed. I guess we both messed up a lot, huh?”

Sayori frowned, her eyes swimming with tears again. “I think my mistakes were a lot worse.”

“Yeah, but you’ve got a condition. My brain was just empty.”

“I was too scared to admit the truth, Anon! You can’t blame yourself for not seeing it.”

“I still made you think I thought you were a burden!”

“I am a burden! You cut school because I’m weak and can’t handle my feelings!”

The room grew quiet again. I knew we’d be going in circles if I continued to disagree with her, so I stayed silent.

Sayori went into a coughing fit. Raising her voice like that must’ve strained her throat something fierce.

_Speaking of…_

I glanced out the door. Thankfully, we didn’t seem to draw any attention to ourselves. They probably wouldn’t allow me back in here if I’d started an actual shouting match with a suicidal patient.

“I’m sorry.” I said, guilt flowing through me. “Don’t talk. I-I shouldn’t have made you talk this much. This one’s on me.”

Sayori shook her head, but grimaced in pain again; she started to massage her neck with a hand.

The door opened behind me; a nurse scribbling on a clipboard stood in the doorway. I’m not sure what she was here to do, but I guess it was my cue to leave before I caused any more damage.

I whispered into Sayori’s ear. “I’ll be here tomorrow.” I needed to clear my head.

Despite my request otherwise, Sayori answered back.

“Don’t cut school tomorrow. Please. I don’t want you to get into trouble because of me. I’m not w-“

She started coughing again, more violently than before.

I’d done it this time. _How’d I let everything get this bad?_

“You are worth it, Sayori.” At least I could use her coughing fit as an excuse to interrupt.

“The-“ Sayori sighed. “I’m sure the girls at the Literature Club missed you today. At least go for them.” Her voice shattered even more.

That’s fair. I hadn’t paid them any mind since I got here. I don’t think I even told Monika that I wouldn’t show up today.

Sayori’s head fell back onto the pillow, but she did stop rubbing her neck to wave goodbye to me. Seeing how red her eyes were, though, I wasn’t sure if my visit even cheered her up at all.

### 

_‘Depressed. Worthless. Raincloud. Pointless. Waste. Horrible. Weak. Selfish.’_

__

__

_Looking over the words scrawled across the paper, illuminated by only a lamp, it would’ve easily been the most half-assed poem I’ve ever written. Luckily, I never intended it to be one. **Un** luckily, these words were instead thrust into my life by the last person I’d ever expected to hear them from. Not about me, but about herself. I remembered her sobbing, breaking down at only an arm’s length away, in so much pain yet refusing to listen to sense._

_Not that anything made sense, at that moment. If she felt making friends was so pointless, why did she make them? If it hurt her to be cared about, why be so friendly to everyone? Why put so much effort into maintaining her mask of airiness? Why wear that mask at all?_

_I buried my head in my hands. As if on cue, Sayori’s voice cut through my thoughts like a knife._

_“This would be so much easier if I could just disappear!”_

_Oh._

_Oh **shit.**_

_In that moment, nothing else mattered. Not that it was only two in the morning, not that Sayori was most likely asleep, not that I wasn’t even properly dressed. I tore out of the house, not caring about how much noise I made. The neighborhood dogs started up their back-and-forth howling, probably waking up half the town._

_I thanked whatever deity was on shift that night that Sayori had left her front door unlocked. As I entered the house, I heard the sound of something light hitting the floor. I zoomed up the stairs two, then three at a time. I tripped, bruising my shin on a step, but it didn’t register in my mind. I hurled myself at her door, opening it as violently as possible…_

_Creak._

_Creak._

_The only sounds in the room came from the ceiling beam groaning under the weight of the noose affixed to it. I nearly vomited at what I saw-_

I awoke with a start. It took me a few minutes to realize that I was still in my own room, dampened with sweat and my sheets uncomfortably twisted around me. It took me longer still to remember that Sayori was safe and sound, that I had found her in the nick of time, and that she certainly was not dead.

But none of it made the nightmare any less vivid. Glancing at my alarm clock, I noticed that it was just after 2 AM, just like in my dream. I had only been asleep for about three hours after no sleep at all the previous night, yet now I was wide awake. I tried to control my breathing and my heart rate, to no avail.

I fumbled for my phone, grabbing it off my nightstand. As the lit screen tortured my eyes in the dark room, I began typing away. I had to learn some things if I was going to go about this the right way.

### 

_Dark, melancholy theme. Prose to match her purple hair. Words that overdrew at the International Bank of Syllables. Strong mental imagery. Metaphors and symbolism that flew right over my head._

__

__

_Classic Yuri._ I handed her back her poem. She smiled and waited to read mine.

“Hehehe… Sorry, Yuri.” I rubbed the back of my neck. “Not your poem, I mean! It was really good. It was very, umm…you. It’s just…I forgot to write one of my own.”

After waking up so early the previous night, I’d spent the entire night researching Sayori’s condition. The more I learned, the less I seemed to know, but finding out anything I could was top priority. Unfortunately for me right now, writing a poem for the Literature Club was a distant second.

For a brief moment, a bit of disappointment flashed in Yuri’s purple eyes, but they quickly settled back into something much warmer.

“I understand, Anon. Stress can cause tunnel vision and make us forgetful of other things. I can’t imagine what you must be going through right now.”

I shrugged. “It’s still my fault I forgot. Sayori told me she didn’t want me to skip school again to go see her.”

“Oh, that’s true,” she recalled. “You did leave early yesterday, didn’t you? Did you spend the whole day at the hospital?”

I nodded. “Well, as long as they would let me, anyway.” _Not quite true…_

Yuri gave me a warm smile, but there was a hint of worry in her eyes. “If Sayori wouldn’t give you an earful about it, would you have spent all day there again today?”

I hesitated. I thought this would be a much easier question than it turned out to be.

“Probably.” I remembered Sayori’s near-unbreakably somber look. “I’m not sure how much I really helped her, if I even did at all. Plus, she was pretty mad at me for leaving school. She said she didn’t want me to see her like that, all bandaged up around her neck.”

I crossed my arms, unwanted annoyance creeping into my voice.

“I didn’t see the big deal. They were bandages, so what? It’s not like, you know, they made her an ugly person or anything. She’s still my best friend, and one of the best people I know.”

There was a minute of silence, only broken by the occasional sound of Natsuki turning the pages of her manga.

“If you don’t mind me saying so, Anon…” Yuri interrupted. She nervously fiddled with her hair. “I think this goes further than just some bandages.”

“You think so?”

Rather than answer, Yuri turned on her heels and walked gracefully out of the room, beckoning me to follow her. Her voice seemed to echo off the walls of the classroom.

“Natsuki! Anon and I are going to go somewhere for a moment, okay?”

Natsuki nodded, her eyes never leaving the page. “Use protection. I don’t want any club members littler than me running around.”

Yuri’s face burned a bright red as her movements suddenly became a whole lot less graceful. She nearly stumbled as we exited the doorway, using my shoulder to keep herself steady.

Several minutes of silent walking later, as soon as we were far enough away that she was sure Natsuki wouldn’t see her, Yuri buried her face in her hands.

“I’m sorry. I don’t know what I’m going to do with her sometimes,” she groaned.

“Meh, she was just joking. I doubt she meant anything by it.”

“Maybe…” Yuri mumbled. She started walking again, her long legs keeping in stride with mine. “Anyway, I guess we didn’t need to leave the room, per se. I just find it much easier to gather my thoughts and express myself while I’m walking.”

“I’m kind of the same way,” I added.

Yuri smiled to herself.

“I gotta know, though. How did you find out about what happened to Sayori? I haven’t told anyone about it.” I asked.

She let out a deep breath.

“Sayori would hate it if she knew. But I think the whole school knows why she’s in the hospital by now. Rumors travel remarkably quickly around here. I think some of the finer details got lost in translation, but everyone knows the gist of it. You looked so exhausted and petrified all morning yesterday before you left that I knew I could rule you out – you looked like you wouldn’t discuss it with other students for anything.”

The memories flashed through my mind again. I sat down against the wall, hiding my face in my hands, but before I could stop myself I was sobbing terribly. No way Yuri couldn’t hear it.

I shook my head at nothing in particular. “This was just so out of nowhere. First I find out she’s depressed. Then I find out that she’s always been like that. Then I find out that she wanted to die. Then she **actually** tried to die. All in one day.”

I heard the fabric of her clothing against the wall as she slid down to sit next to me, putting an arm around my shoulders and rubbing gently.

“I don’t remember anything about my life before I met her. As far as I’m concerned, she’s always been there. I don’t _want_ to imagine my life without her.”

Sighing, I steeled myself for the words I both desired and feared getting off my chest.

“I love her. Even if we’re just friends, I love her. I don’t think that’ll ever change.”

Yuri’s hand remained on my shoulder, but stopped moving.

“As I recall, you were the one who turned her down, Anon,” she reminded me, her tone a little stern.

Something sparked within me.

“…How did you know that?” Two days ago, on Sunday, before my talk with Sayori got more personal, Yuri had already walked away, or so I had believed.

“Eep!” Yuri cried, looking like a little girl caught with her hand in the cookie jar. She turned her head away from me, blushing and looking like she’d rather be anywhere else. “Ahh! I’m s-sorry! P-Please don’t be mad at me! It’s just… My… My curiosity got the better of me, so I hid behind a nearby tree when you weren’t looking and, um…”

She looked so pitiful right now that I couldn’t be too mad at her. At least nothing too personal between us was said that day.

“No,” she acknowledged, straightening her posture. “There’s no excuse for what I did. I sincerely apologize, Anon. I had no right to eavesdrop on your conversation like that. Can you forgive me?”

“Um, yeah. Sure. I don’t think you heard anything too bad – nothing worth holding a grudge over.”

Yuri sighed in relief, but it went unnoticed over the memory of Sayori’s agonizing scream piercing my ears, so vivid that for a moment I looked around in a panic, thinking Sayori had rushed into the hallway.

“Wait, then that means you heard-“

Yuri nodded, a somber look on her face. “She sounded like she was in so much pain. I wanted to come out from where I was hiding and comfort her, but she was already in her house before I’d realized it. Plus, um, I was worried about what you’d think when you found out I was there the whole time. Then you left, and I tried to enter her house, but all the doors had been locked. She wouldn’t respond to any of my messages, either.”

Yuri’s eyebrows furrowed at me.

“And on that note, I think I’m not the only one sitting here with something to apologize for.” Her tone was warm and motherly, yet stern.

“Me?” I asked. “What’d I do wrong?”

“Maybe you think of her as a girlfriend, or maybe you think of her as just your best friend. But either way, there was no reason to turn and walk away from her, especially with how heartbroken she looked! And yes, her door was locked, but you could’ve at least tried to go and comfort her!”

“What could I have done, Yuri?” I threw my hands up, feeling crappier by the second about how things went between Sayori and I. “She didn’t want me around. I’d already broken her heart once. She’d have probably thought I was there to make her feel worse or something. Or that I would have done that anyway.”

There were a few moments of silence. Yuri got up and started walking back towards the classroom, and I got up and followed her. She appeared deep in thought as we slowly strolled through the school halls.

“Sometimes…” Yuri mused, hands clasped thoughtfully in front of her, “the things we want aren’t the things we need. Sadly, Sayori’s a really good example. She wanted you to stop worrying about her, and yet the next morning…” Yuri couldn’t bring herself to finish that sentence. She stopped walking and turned to me. “Although that begs the question: if you love her, why did you turn her down?”

I thought about it for a minute.

“For her sake. No, really!” Yuri’s quizzical stare made me doubt myself. “She kept mentioning that she wanted everything to go back to the way things were. I’m glad she told me about her depression, but I think she also regretted it. I figured since she was acting so stressed out, I didn’t want to just throw another wrench in her life like that. I thought what she needed was me as her friend, not me as her boyfriend. Like…Like it always was between us.”

Yuri smiled at me. “You’re a good friend, Anon. I keep forgetting she only told you about her depression recently. She was always very open with Natsuki, Monika, and I about her problems.”

I was glad she wasn’t mad at me. “Yeah, it completely threw me for a loop when I heard- wait, what?” I sputtered. “You guys already knew?”

Yuri nodded. “Oh yes. A long time, as a matter of fact. It was one of the first things I learned about her after I joined the club, Anon. I’m sorry. I probably would’ve told you in private if I knew that you didn’t know. If it’s all the same to you, Sayori tried to hide it from us, too. We just picked up on it pretty early, and she admitted the truth to us once she knew we were on to her.”

“Okay, I understand you and Monika,” I said, “but Natsuki is even less sensitive than me! How did Sayori trust her with a secret like that, but not me?”

Yuri stopped walking, the two of us about several dozen paces from the club’s classroom. She frowned at me.

“That’s not really fair to Natsuki, don’t you think? I know she seems crabby and snarky all the time, but she’s more sensitive than people give her credit for. She was the first one of us to notice something was wrong with Sayori.”

I looked over at her through the open door. Natsuki was still nose-deep in her manga. If she heard what I’d said, she didn’t show it. My cheeks tinged with red. It seemed that in most of the time I knew her, I would keep underestimating her, and I doubted I was the only one. No wonder she’s so defensive.

“I’m sorry, Yuri. You’re right. That was awful of me.”

“It’s okay.” Her smile returned. “A lot has happened in such a short time. You’re under a lot of stress right now. All of us are. Monika, Natsuki, and I all knew about her troubles beforehand, but what she did still took us by surprise.”

Her eyes glanced over my shoulder, staring at something behind me. I turned around to look at the empty teacher’s desk. Yuri frowned again.

“Poor Monika. It’s very unlike her to miss any school at all, much less several days in a row. I do hope she’s not feeling sick.”

“Have you heard from her at all?”

“I received a message from her yesterday morning saying that she wouldn’t be in school that day, and asking if I’d be okay with running the Literature Club in her absence. In hindsight, I should’ve asked what was bothering her, but at the time, I didn’t want to disturb her rest in case she was feeling really terrible. I feel like she knew about Sayori’s suicide attempt well before anyone else at the school. Um…other than you, of course.” She retreated behind her hair. “Sorry. I’m sure it’s still a very painful memory of yours.”

“It’s okay.” _It wasn’t._ “She’s safe now. That’s what matters.”

Yuri gave me a warm smile.

“Admittedly, I wish she had told Natsuki and I what happened to Sayori. The two of us had to find out from other students. Looking back on it, though, I’m sure Monika kept us in the dark because she was afraid about how we’d react, especially so soon after the fact.” Her expression darkened. “And she was right. I wasn’t proud of how I felt after I’d heard.”

“How were you feeling?”

Almost imperceptibly, Yuri tugged the left sleeve of her sweater down as far as it would go, holding one wrist in another, one of her many nervous gestures. Poor Yuri must have been so frightened that day.

Her cheeks flushed a deep red. “I got really angry. I was angry at Sayori for trying to do that to herself. I was angry at Monika for not telling me in the first place. And most of all, I was angry at myself for not noticing how bad Sayori’s depression had become until it was almost too late. If I hadn’t promised Monika that I’d be the club’s stand-in president, I would’ve stormed straight home after school let out. Not that there was much of a club meeting anyway. Without you, Sayori, or Monika there, it was just Natsuki and I attempting to pretend everything was normal.”

My blood chilled. I knew about their tendency to argue over trivial things even on normal days, and tensions would have probably run high on a day like yesterday.

“Did you two argue over anything?” I asked, wanting to slap myself as soon as the words left my mouth. I expected Yuri to clam up, stutter, and awkwardly make an excuse to leave.

Surprisingly, she smiled instead. “No, thankfully. I’d calmed down a bit by then. I think both of us realized then that it wasn’t what Sayori would’ve wanted. Although, even if that wasn’t the case, I couldn’t bring myself to say anything bad to her. She wouldn’t cry in front of me, but I could tell she was struggling not to the whole time.”

I smiled. “I think she’ll be glad to hear that you two are getting along better. I was gonna visit her tomorrow after school. Did you want to come with me?”

Yuri hesitated, clasping her hands behind her back. She mumbled something under her breath, before sighing and speaking more clearly.

“Sorry, but I don’t know if that’d be good for me, honestly. D-Don’t get me wrong!” she added, flustered. “I’m really glad she’s okay. But I…I’m still dealing with a lot inside. I don’t want to accidentally say anything to her that I’d regret. Plus, well… if Monika doesn’t come to school tomorrow either, I’m assuming she’ll need me to run the club again.”

Yuri and I glanced inside the classroom again.

“I feel as though Natsuki is more dependent on these meetings for security than before. I don’t know what’s wrong with her life outside of here, and I don’t know how she’s handling these feelings. But I’m trying to understand her, for her sake. What happened with Sayori was a grim reminder of how quickly everything could change.”

Natsuki had picked up a new manga in the meantime, and her face was buried so deeply in it that she could probably smell the ink.

“But when you do visit her, please tell her that I’m glad she’s doing well, okay? And that everyone in the Literature Club misses her. I-If you think that would make her feel better, anyway. You know Sayori better than anyone else.”

I should be happy to hear that, but in reality I’ve never been more unsure about just how well I know her.

Yuri must’ve read the unease on my face, because she snapped me out of my thoughts with a tearful embrace.

“This may not be the best time to bring this up,” Yuri said, rubbing between my shoulders, “but I think channeling all your feelings into a poem could help. Oh, and one more thing.”

“What is it?”

“About why Sayori didn’t tell you about her depression until recently. I’d have said it’s because the rest of us are all girls, so she trusted us more, but…I have a different theory.”

My stomach tensed up. “What’s that?”

“Sayori probably thought that anyone who found out about her depression would hate her, and if there’s one person on the planet she doesn’t want to hate her, it’s you. She was probably much more on guard around you than around anyone else. Um…I’m sorry for saying this, but…I wonder if you turning her down like that only confirmed in her mind that you didn’t like her.”

“That’s impossible!” I cried. “I’ve told her repeatedly that I didn’t hate her! I could never hate her.”

Yuri smiled sadly. “Unfortunately, from what I’ve read about depression, people with the condition often twist anyone else’s words to paint themselves in the worst light possible. She might have thought you just pitied her when you said you didn’t hate her, and that you revealed how you really felt through turning her down.” She sighed. “Actions speak louder than words, after all.”

“W-What do I do, then?” I felt helpless. How badly had I screwed up with her? “I don’t want anything bad to happen to her,” I continued. “She’s always pushed herself to make other people happy, and I want to do the same for her. I want her to know that I care about her, but I can’t do that if I keep doing everything wrong because I don’t understand her! Ugh!”

I slammed my clenched fist into the wall behind me, earning nothing but a throbbing pain in my hand and Yuri shrinking away from me.

I looked toward her, hoping she hadn’t been scared off. She stood a few feet farther away, watching me with very concerned eyes, her hands clutched to her chest.

“I’m sorry, Yuri. I’m just so confused right now. I don’t even understand my own feelings, much less Sayori’s.”

“W-Well, you’re visiting her later, aren’t you?”

“Absolutely. And, uh, I _might_ have to skip the club meeting tomorrow, too. She’d never forgive me if I skipped school a second time, but besides that, I want to spend all the time I can with her.”

Yuri sighed again, but followed it up with a smile.

“If you love her, then it’s only natural to want to do that. I think, more than anything else, that’s what she needs right now. And if she wants you to give her some space, then you’ll at least be there to give her that space.”

She scrutinized my face a little more closely.

“Hmm,” she mused. “Sorry. I’d ask if you wanted to come back to the club with me, but it’s, um…rather obvious you’ve been crying. I don’t mind it, personally, but I feel like Natsuki would never let you hear the end of it.”

I looked in the classroom again. Natsuki had already finished her previous manga and had moved onto the next one, as fixated as ever.

“You’re kidding, right? What about all that ‘She’s more sensitive than you think’ crap from before?”

Yuri giggled, hiding her mouth behind her hand. “Ahaha. I _did_ say that, didn’t I? But Natsuki probably can’t resist the urge to throw a few teases your way. It might be because you’re the only boy in the club, so she feels better about giving you a hard time. I just want to keep things friendly between everyone. It’s okay if you want to go home, or more accurately, go see Sayori. If she asks, I’ll tell Natsuki you weren’t feeling well.”

I did promise Sayori I’d go see her, though whether she actually wanted me there or not remained to be seen. I checked the sun through the window – it still shone brightly in the sky. If I left now, I’d probably have at least one or two hours to visit her, hopefully enough to smooth things over with her.

“Thank you, Yuri. I think I should go see her now.”

“You’re welcome, Anon. You have a very good heart. I hope that everything works out between you two, and that the two of you are very happy together.”

Her speech seemed even more stiff and formal than usual. She smiled again, looking…sad this time?

“Is there something you’re not telling me, Yuri?”

She avoided my gaze for a moment.

“Yes.” She straightened her posture. “While I still think putting your feelings into a poem will help you sort out your emotions, I’ll understand if you don’t have one written the next time you attend the club. I think we can eschew our usual routine in light of what’s happened recently.”

It wasn’t what I expected to hear, but Yuri appeared genuine enough as she looked into my eyes.

“That’s all! Now go make her happy, okay? I just want my friend to be safe and happy with herself, whatever it takes.”

She turned on her heel a little too quickly and walked back into the classroom. I heard the sound of Natsuki setting down her manga as Yuri entered.

“Wow. You guys were gone, like, thirty minutes. Guess I was wrong after all. I always thought of Anon as a two-pump chump.”

**“N-Natsuki!”**

Ever hear somebody blush? I have now.

### 

“Sayori?” I opened the door, trying to catch my breath. Stubborn crosswalks and impatient drivers meant I had been well behind pace trying to get to her. I couldn’t believe my bad luck that I had to _run_ to the hospital, but I couldn’t believe my good luck in that I actually _could_ run most of the way.

“Hey, Anon.” She greeted, still lying in bed. Her voice isn’t quite so rough today. “I’m glad you didn’t skip school today.”

“I even… I even stayed for the Literature Club!” I mock-boasted. Sayori seemed to sink further into her pillow. “What? Aren’t you proud of me?”

“No, I’m glad, it’s just…” Sayori trailed off. “I’m sorry if I seemed pretty grouchy yesterday. I just don’t want you to strain yourself too much for me.”

She looks over and sees how red and sweaty my face is, and how badly I was panting.

“…Never mind.”

“Don’t worry about it. I was pretty grouchy too. None of us slept that night.” I’m still doubled over, hands on my knees. “I’d ask if I could sit on your bed with you, but right now I smell like death.”

Sayori looked really uncomfortable at my choice in words.

Oh jeez. _I promised Yuri I would make Sayori happy, and it only took me eleven seconds to fuck up. It’s a new record!_

“Okay, you know what? I’m really sorry. Uh, hold on. Let me try this again.” I exited the room, then reentered a few seconds later.

“Hey, Sayori!” I waved.

Sayori giggled despite what I said earlier, waving back. “Hey, Anon!”

“Were you able to get any sleep last night?” I dropped my backpack on the floor, eager to get rid of its added weight.

“Surprisingly, yeah. I didn’t think I wanted to because I was afraid I’d have nightmares, but my nurse gave me something to help me sleep. I didn’t have any bad dreams! It did wonders – I’m feeling a little better today. What about you?”

I sighed. “I did too, but I wasn’t so lucky on the not-having-nightmares part.”

Sayori eyes widened. She propped herself up against the wall, looking concerned.

“I’m really sorry. Did you want to talk about anything?”

“If you think it’ll help.” I hesitated, suddenly remembering what she said about not wanting people to worry about her. But I already told her I would tell her, so I soldiered on. “It was just me remembering what happened that night.”

I tried to spare her the worst of the details as I explained the nightmare I had, but I think she filled in the gaps anyway, because she started to tear up.

“I’m so sorry I did such a terrible thing to y-“

“Don’t. Please. It was terrifying, but it’s nothing compared to how happy I am that you’re still here. I mean it.” I smiled at her, trying to ease her worry. It seemed to work as only a couple tears flowed down her cheeks before they stopped, although she didn’t cheer up any. I decided against telling her that I couldn’t get back to sleep after the nightmare woke me up.

“Though if you don’t mind me asking… The hospital’s miles away from the school, and running here makes me feel like I could sleep right now, so... How long are they planning on keeping you here?”

She appeared to brighten up a bit.

“Not that much longer. Maybe a week. They still have a couple tests to do, and they want my throat to heal up some more before I can leave, but they’re pretty happy with how I’m healing and coping, and that I don’t seem to have any real damage other than the surface of my neck. They’re also pretty confident I’m low-risk for another attempt, so…there’s that.”

I sighed in relief.

“I guess I can’t really wait to get out of here, too," she admitted. "There isn’t much to do. The TV doesn’t have most of the channels I like, my phone’s at my house, and you’re really the only one who visits.”

“No one else stopped by?”

“Well, not quite,” Sayori recalled, rubbing her chin. “Monika stopped by after you left yesterday.”

“M-Monika was _here_?”

“Mmhm.” She nodded, sighing. “She just wanted to talk about a couple things, though. She wasn’t here for very long. I was happy she came by.”

“Talk about what?”

“Ermmm… Ehehe~” Sayori’s cheeks went red, like she’d let something slip she wasn’t supposed to. “I promised her I wouldn’t tell anyone. It’s, uh, girl stuff. You’d probably get bored hearing it.” She stared at the wall behind me.

“I want to know what she said to you, Sayori. On Sunday, you told me that she was right, and that there was something you should do. And then…” I indicated the hospital room. “It’s been bothering me ever since. If she said what I think she said-”

“It’s not what you think it is, really!” She interjected quickly, holding her hands up. “I just…told her I wouldn’t tell anyone before she was ready for everyone else to know. She’ll tell you eventually, I’m sure.”

“Do you know where she’s been, at least?” I asked her. “She hasn’t been at school for the past couple days. Natsuki told me Monika would drag herself to school with her eyelids and four broken limbs rather than miss any class, so we’re all pretty concerned about her.”

Sayori shook her head.

“I didn’t know she’d been missing class, so I didn’t ask. Although she looked like she wouldn’t have told me anyway. I’m not sure she’s slept since I got here. She looked pretty awful… So!” She clapped her hands together.

“You, um, felt like napping?” she asked, awkwardly pushing her pointer fingers together, the gesture of hers that nobody could say ‘no’ to. “I know I was acting bitchy yesterday, but after I cooled off, I was glad you visited. I know I’ve been so selfish to you, but I was happy that I could even see you after what I did.” She moved to the side and patted the space next to her.

“What, is this an invitation?”

“Well…kind of. You do smell weird right now.” She stifled a giggle behind her hand. “Just head to the bathroom and towel off or something first. You can nap in my bed with me, but not if you’re gonna sweat all over it.” She smiled. How could she be so effortlessly cute? The mind boggles.

Down the hall, I looked in the bathroom mirror as I wiped my head with a towel, my mood having sunk a little bit. At first I thought Sayori was being flirty by letting me sleep in her bed, but with my reddened face and the bags under my eyes, I didn’t just smell weird – I kind of looked weird too.

She was probably just watching out for me, after all. There wasn’t anywhere else in the room nearly as fit for sleeping on, and the nurses might have a conniption if they came in and I had taken her spot in the bed. But even so, I definitely _was_ tired – my face displayed it loud and clear. Yuri had given our potential relationship her blessing earlier, but thanks to turning her down two days ago, I might’ve already killed that before it even got out of the gate.

I sighed. _Forget eleven seconds to fuck things up, try negative one hundred fifty thousand._

I tried not to look dejected as I walked back into Sayori’s room. I didn’t want her to worry any more than she had to. She still remained on her side of the bed, and the bed was just large enough to fit the two of us, side-by-side.

“You sure this is okay?” I asked, worried. “I’m pretty sure visiting hours don’t last too much longer.”

Sayori nodded. “Don’t worry. I can tell by the footsteps now when the nurses are gonna visit my room. I’ll shove you off the bed when they’re about to come in.” She paused upon seeing the look on my face, cracking a smile. “I’m kidding! I’ll wake you up, though. Just get some rest.”

My eyelids felt dozens of pounds heavier as I straighten out on my back, stretching my legs, and before I know it I’m…

### 

… _not_ sleeping.

It’d been nearly twenty minutes since I shut my eyes, but my body refused to drift off into dreamland despite how exhausted I am. I kept my eyes shut, though. I didn’t want Sayori to know I wasn’t really asleep – mostly because Sayori is quietly sobbing next to me, lightly running her hand through my hair. I want so badly to comfort her, but I feel like she’d get really embarrassed if I woke up to her crying like this. I wasn’t sure which would hurt worse.

“How could I have done this to you, Anon?” she murmured to herself, over and over. “All you were doing was looking out for what’s best for me, and then I go and hurt myself.” She sniffed loudly, her nose sounding clogged. “Now you’re having terrible dreams all the time and you can’t sleep at night.”

Her breath shuddered. “I wish I had died… Why did I have to be born this way?”

She went silent, but continued stroking my hair, oblivious to my chest suddenly feeling like it had caved in.

‘ _I wish I had died…_ ’ Even though it had been a few days since she revealed her depression to me, those words were still so difficult to swallow. My memory went back to a happier Sayori- err, a happier- _acting_ Sayori, and even now I still couldn’t picture her as wanting to die. How many of those beaming smiles from our childhood photos were fake? How long had she wanted to just disappear from everyone’s lives?

Mentally, I gulped. This would be hard on both of us to talk about, but it was a topic I couldn’t avoid for much longer, unless I was willing to risk Sayori trying anything like this again, ‘low-risk’ or not. I could research depression all I wanted, but I knew I wouldn’t understand her any better without hearing it straight from the source. Plus, it didn’t seem like I’d get any actual sleep either way.

Once several minutes had passed without any words from her, I pretended to stir in my sleep, taking my sweet time waking up so Sayori would have time to make it look as though she hadn’t been spilling her heart ten seconds ago.

“S-Sayori?” I fake-yawned.

“Y-Yes?”

I looked back at her. It seemed like I’d given her enough time; her eyes were very clearly red, but she’d wiped the tears well enough, and I could pretend to not notice the rest. She’d propped herself up against the wall and was looking at me with curious eyes. The bandages on her neck had loosened a bit, sliding down and revealing some of the bruises the rope left behind.

“How long was I out?” I asked, stretching.

“Maybe fifteen minutes or so,” she answered. “I’m not sure, I didn’t keep count.”

“Mm,” I grunted. “I feel a little better. Thanks for letting me rest here.”

“Of course, Anon.” She’s having trouble meeting my eyes again.

“Hey, Sayori?”

She didn’t answer, but she did look at me again. I took that as permission to continue.

“I wanted to apologize to you.”

“W-What? Why?”

“Because if anyone here needs to apologize, it’s me.”

Sayori turned her head towards me, unable to speak. I don’t think she expected me to say that, but I continue while she’s still in her stunned silence.

“You remember how I once said we both care for each other better than we do ourselves?”

She screwed up her face in thought, but eventually nodded.

“Well, you’ve taken really good care of me. But I don’t think I can say the same for me taking care of you.”

“How can you even say that?” Sayori cried. “You’ve always done so much for me. A lot more than you should have, if anything.”

“I can say that, because…” I let out a breath. This would not be easy to say. “Because after we started high school, when you started oversleeping all the time, I stopped waiting for you in the morning. And whenever you’d make some self-deprecating remark about yourself, I usually agreed and insulted you further. And even before high school, when it looked my grades were starting to suffer because I was busy helping you fix your grades, I left you behind.”

“None of that is your fault, though!” protested Sayori. “I was holding you back! I would’ve-“ She trailed off mid-sentence.

“What, were you about to say you would’ve done the same thing? I think we both know that’s not really true.” I wiped the remaining tear marks from her cheek, not noticing how intimate it probably looked to her.

“It was all because of your depression, wasn’t it? You couldn’t find a reason to get out of bed in the morning, so you put it off as long as possible. You disliked yourself, so you insulted yourself to look bad in front of other people. And you couldn’t enjoy learning, so you couldn’t focus in school and your grades slipped.”

Sayori’s silence provided all the answers I needed.

“I’m not mad at you.” I said, running a hand gently through her hair. “If I had the same condition as you, I’d probably be even worse. I’m mad at myself because I never took the time to understand why these things were happening. Instead, I decided you were a burden and cut you out of my life. Even if you were being tight-lipped about how you were feeling, all the signs were there, and I just thought you were lazy instead. If anything, _I’m_ the awful friend here.”

She didn’t seem as reassured as I’d hoped. Instead, she threw her arms around me, crying into my shoulder and turning my shirt into a gelatinous mass of tears and snot. _Oh well._ I completed the hug.

“You couldn’t have known there was anything wrong with me if I didn’t tell you! I didn’t want to tell you because…” Her voice dropped to a whisper. “I was afraid you’d hate me for it.” She pulled herself away from me.

_So Yuri was right…_

“That you’d think I was a freak who could never be happy with all the nice things you’ve done for me. And that all I’d do is hold you back…” she continued. “I was afraid most of that came true anyway,” she mumbled.

“Sayori… I’d never-“

“Then you and Yuri were having such a nice time together last Sunday, and I spoiled it because I couldn’t handle seeing you with anyone else, and then I just felt so awful about everything that I wanted to end it all. I was scared and tired and the rainclouds were worse than ever, but not once did I think about your feelings, or what you wanted, and-“

_Fuck it._

I pulled Sayori close and hugged her, her body on top of mine. It got her to stop talking badly about herself, for now at least. She cried into my chest, her whole body shuddering.

“I don’t deserve to be forgiven.”

I shushed her, holding her as closely and warmly as I was able. “Okay…maybe we both messed up along the way. W-We’re young, we’re allowed to make mistakes.”

“But my mistakes were so much worse-“

“We’ve been over this before, Sayori.” I said. “If we really want to compare who messed up worse, we can trade these stories back-and-forth for the rest of our lives. _Or_ ,” I added, “we can try and make everything better, starting now, and we can both try and be happy. Our choice. And I’ve already picked mine.”

She sighed, like she wanted to protest further, but seemed to melt in my embrace instead.

“I…I’d like that, Anon.”

“Me too.”

I hesitated. There was one more thing I needed to bring up, and it might be the hardest memory of all. But it had to happen.

“Sayori?” My voice came out so weakly, as opposed to the warmth from before, that Sayori looked at me in surprise. She nodded, looking unsure.

“You don’t need to hide anything from me anymore, okay? I’ll always be here for you. But I need you to be honest with me about something.”

“Okay…” She nodded again, apprehension written on her face.

“About your…depression, just…I don’t know. Tell me a bit more about it. Like, did you really feel like this your whole life?”

She glanced at the opposite wall, avoiding eye contact with me.

“Are you sure you want to know?”

I was hoping I wouldn’t regret what I’d hear.

“If we’re going to take good care of each other and be happy, I want to understand the way you think. All of it. And that means understanding your depression.”

She was silent for a few minutes. I’d worried that she dozed off when she suddenly spoke up.

“For your question, I…guess so. It seems that way.”

She mulled over the question some more, figuring I wouldn’t be satisfied with such a brief answer.

“At least as far back as I can remember, I would keep comparing myself to the other kids in my class and just not liking how I stacked up against them. ‘This person was smarter than me,’ ‘This person was a faster runner than me,’ ‘This person was prettier than me,’ ‘This person had more friends than I did.’ I thought that everyone I knew was better than me.”

“You didn’t think any of them had any problems of their own?”

“Well, if they did, they didn’t let their problems drag them down like I did with mine. I’d learned how to pretend to be happy by the time I met you, but before then I was sad and showed it, all the time. I didn’t have any friends before you. I think the point I noticed something was really wrong was when I finally decided to try and be the best at something. Might’ve been when I was…six, maybe? Just after my birthday. It was a math test. I was terrible at math, but I was desperate. I wanted to get the highest score in the class, so I spent all my free time studying and doing practice problems. I just wanted to be good at _something_. Then the test day came.”

“And you didn’t do well?” I asked.

“No. I aced it. I didn’t just get all the questions right, I was also the first one done.”

I raised an eyebrow. _But then how-_

She continued before I could finish my thought, “But even after seeing how well I did, and how proud the teacher was, I just didn’t feel anything. I treated it like it wasn’t a big deal, because it felt like it wasn’t. My teacher would always tell me that I’d feel really good about myself when all the work I put in paid off, but I felt empty. I couldn’t make myself happy, even though I’d gotten what I worked for.”

Sayori looked back at me. “You ever just kinda lay on your bed and stare at something? And how you feel like you should be doing something fun with your free time, or at least something important, but you’re just so tired and so bored that you can’t muster up the energy to do anything?”

I hadn’t noticed a pair of tears crawling down her cheeks till now. Acting on impulse, I reach out to wipe them, but she gently knocks my hand away.

“That’s what it’s like almost all the time. There’s no off switch. Making friends, finding hobbies, eating something tasty… It’s all pointless. Almost nothing but rainclouds, all the time,” she whispered. She sniffed. Her voice was starting to sound hoarse again.

I rubbed her back while she sobbed for a couple more minutes.

“I thought it was normal at first, you know,” she added, once she had calmed down somewhat, “how empty I was inside. But I just felt so different from how the other kids looked like they felt that I wasn’t sure about myself. Then I started pretending to be happy, and then I met you, and for a while it was like I didn’t need to pretend anymore. But then-”

There were footsteps outside the door. Sayori gasped.

I didn’t need any reminders; I broke the hug and rolled out of bed before Sayori could deliver on her maybe-fake-promise and push me out herself. I straightened out my clothes just as the door opened. The nurse in the doorway saw the state of my shirt and gave me an awkward smile, recognizing me from the day before.

I hugged Sayori. “I’ll see you tomorrow after school, okay? Remember that I’ll always be here for you.”

I said my goodbyes and left before the nurse could start asking me questions.

Despite everything else said between us, all I could think about was Monika, and what exactly she had done.

### 

Luckily, I didn’t have to wait long to find out, as Monika passed by me in the halls the next day.

The last few days had certainly done a number on her; her emerald green eyes, weighed down by dark bags, lacked their usual spark, her hair wasn’t so neatly done, and though she still carried herself with simultaneous warmth and poise, her haggard and tired face told me something was eating at her.

I waved her down. “Monika!”

She turned her head towards my voice, looking both glad to see me and very uncomfortable. Her normally elegant white ribbon seemed disheveled up close and nearly fell out of her hair as she approached me.

“Anon!” She smiled warmly. “Hi! You’re looking well.”

I couldn’t say the same for her, but I kept that detail to myself. I cut right to the chase.

“Where have you been?”

“Oh, not…well.” She hesitated, suddenly looking very unconfident. She appeared to steel herself. “Are you on your way to class?”

“Just study hall. Nothing happens there.”

“…Good.” Monika grabbed my hand and dragged me down the hall. “There’s something I need to get off my chest, now. My class can wait.”

“I never thought I’d hear words like that coming from your mouth, Miss Valedictorian.”

“Ahaha.” She laughed, but didn’t break stride. “I think after two days of missed work, I’m sure I lost that title by now. I probably don’t deserve it anyway.”

Her words worried me. I’d heard words like that from someone before, someone who’s now in the hospital.

“Hey wait, where are we going?” I asked. She didn’t answer.

She continued to walk me through the school, down some stairs, through the main doors, and now we stood outside, hundreds of feet into the school’s forest and well off the beaten path. We were close enough to barely see the school through the gaps in the greenery, enough layers of trees and bushes covering us that we were confidently hidden. Sunlight reached the ground in spots, where the forest’s canopy had gaps in the leaves. There was the sound of flowing water off in the distance.

Monika motioned for me to sit down, pointing to a nearby picnic bench; as I sat on it, it creaked and threatened to break under my weight – clearly very old and worn – but ultimately held. Monika remained on her feet, her expression equal parts contrite and determined.

“How’s Sayori?”

I suddenly feel myself flare up upon hearing her say Sayori’s name. Sayori told me that this was all a big misunderstanding, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that she was just sticking her neck out for her friend.

“She’s fine. She’s set to go home in a week or so, assuming she keeps healing up well.” Monika appeared relieved to hear it. “Sayori told me you two talked a couple days ago in the hospital, late at night.” I expected her to deny it, distancing herself from Sayori’s accident as much as possible.

To her credit, she was totally honest about it. “Yes, but just once. It was pretty late and I think I was pushing their visiting hours, so I didn’t stay too long…”

She was lost in thought for a moment.

“She wouldn’t tell me what you two talked about. ‘Girl stuff’, she said. I didn’t believe her. I don’t suppose you’ll tell me anything?” I doubted I’d hear anything from her either, but it was worth a shot.

“’Girl stuff’, huh? I guess that’s kind of accurate. Well, it was stuff between girls, at any rate. Ahaha!~”

“That… tells me absolutely nothing.”

“Sorry, I guess I’m not very good at jokes right now. But you do deserve the truth, don’t you?” Her tone dropped from upbeat to somber in a hurry. “Truth is, there was a lot of apologizing – mostly from me to her.”

I feign ignorance. “What for?”

Monika looked downcast. “I felt like I played a part in her suicide attempt. A major one.”

I scowled, my teeth grinding inside my mouth. This was not making her look any less guilty.

“So it is true,” I growled. “’Major one’ is right. On Sunday, Sayori told me you had told her to do something. At first, I thought you told her to die, but I really, _really_ didn’t want to believe it. Why, Monika?”

She continued to stare at the ground. “You’re wrong. I didn’t tell her to kill herself.” She put a little distance between us, pacing back and forth, before looking back at me. “But I might as well have.”

“She stuck up for you, you know. She said I had the wrong idea about what you said to her.”

Her bloodshot eyes dulled even more. She sighed. “I really didn’t mean for her to try anything drastic like that. It was just…something that went too far.”

I glared at her. “Sayori tried to hang herself because of ‘something.’ If she’d succeeded, then you’d rot in jail for the rest of your life because of ‘something’. ’Something’ sounds like a pretty big fucking understatement.”

She didn’t answer. She just nodded to herself. It was infuriating me.

I couldn’t take any more. I stood up and strode towards her, unsure of what I really intended to do, but stopped when Monika picked up a heavy-looking tree branch from the ground, holding it in front of her to defend herself, a firm look on her face.

That firm look didn’t hold; her expression softened the longer she looked at me. Her eyes started to well up with tears.

“Ten minutes,” she said, her voice shaking, but her gaze and her grip remained strong. “Give me ten minutes, and hopefully I can explain myself. You don’t have to forgive me. I’m not sure I even expect you to.”

“And if I don’t?”

Monika inhaled harshly, shutting her eyes in contemplation. She let out a deep breath, trying to drum up her courage.

“If ten minutes pass,” she began, her voice suddenly solid as a rock, “and you hear my explanation, and you still think I’m beyond forgiveness, then…”

With a gentle toss, the large tree branch leaves her side. I catch it in shaky hands; now I’m the one wielding it against her. There was no shine in her eyes.

“You can do everything to me that you feel I deserve. I will not defend myself. We are far enough away from the school that I can scream and not be heard. I could die here, and not be discovered for days, if not weeks. We are close enough to a large river,” she explained, pointing towards the sounds of rushing water, “that you can easily dispose of that branch, should the worst come to pass. Should you have mercy and decide to just beat me within an inch of my life and leave me here, I won’t speak a word to anyone about your role in it. I would make sure it never gets traced back to you. Whatever your decision is, I will not hold it against you.”

My blood ran cold. I could only stammer at her ultimatum. I chucked the stick to the side, where it was lost among the fallen leaves. “A-A-Are you insane? You think I’d just do anything like that to you?”

_This couldn’t be a trap, could it? Does she have someone watching us?_

“I nearly murdered Sayori, Anon. A life for a life.” Her voice was monotone, magnitudes away from her usual upbeat tone – way too resigned to what could happen.

“L-Look, whatever went down between you and Sayori, she’d never want anything like that to happen to you!”

“Mm,” Monika acknowledged, a small smile on her face. “Sayori’s such a sweetheart. Maybe too sweet. All the more reason none of this should have ever happened.”

_What the hell’s wrong with her?_

This was insane. I had half a mind to just turn around and leave, but I honestly wanted her side of the story – crazy as that sounded right now. If she was this torn up inside over her part in it, maybe I had misjudged her. If I didn’t like it, I could always just leave instead, right?.

“O-Okay, fine! Ten minutes,” I decided. I still felt like I should be angrier at her, but the fact that she was prepared to die if I wanted her to kept my blood from boiling. “I want to know everything.”

Monika gave me a nervous smile that quickly disappeared as she stared at the ground, thinking to herself, trying to decide where to start.

“Sayori loves you. You’ve always been special to her.”

“Maybe start with something I didn’t know already?”

Silence fell between us again. She looked up at me. “If you’re gonna give me ten minutes, at least don’t interrupt me so early.”

I curtly nodded, letting her continue.

“Sayori and I were the first two members of the Literature Club. I’d founded it, and while I was scouting for members on the first day, Sayori was the only one who wanted to join. She had been a part of the club for only six minutes before she brought your name up. I remember that because I remember thinking how familiar your name was. Turns out you and I had a few classes together the year before, even though we didn’t talk much.

“It didn’t stop there. Sayori would bring up your name all the time. She would sometimes recommend me books for no other reason than that you’d read it years ago and liked it. Even after Yuri and Natsuki joined the club, she would keep bringing you up. Some days, you were all she would talk about. It was like you were a club member even before you officially joined. From what she’d said, you sounded like a wonderful friend, the way you would cook and clean after her whenever she felt she couldn’t take care of herself. So when she brought up the idea of you joining the Literature Club, I was really curious if you were as great as her stories made you look.”

I felt crappy hearing this. Despite our friendship, and how close we lived to each other, Sayori and I had drifted apart for a while until I’d joined the Literature Club. But whereas I only made a few half-hearted attempts to stay in touch with her in the meantime, Sayori apparently had me in her thoughts the whole time, even after I’d left her behind.

I turned back to Monika. “And how’d that turn out?”

“You were every bit as nice to be around as she had said. I couldn’t believe I didn’t notice all that when we were in the same class before. Ahaha~” She smiled at me, but her smile disappeared when my expression didn’t change. “I’m friends with a lot of the boys in our year, but a lot of them like to act gross or perverted, even if they aren’t actually that way. Then I met you, and you were just so sweet and genuine and helpful. You weren’t perfect, sure, but nobody is. I could tell right away why Sayori liked you so much.”

She seemed to drift off for a minute, lost in some memory.

“Thanks,” I said, snapping her back to reality, “but this doesn’t explain why you did something so awful to her.”

“I’m getting to that, I promise. After you first joined, I suppose I wasn’t surprised you hung out with Sayori so much. She was the only one who was your friend before you joined the club, so you stuck with someone you were familiar with. Of course, that left a problem. See, I wanted to spend some one-on-one time with you as well, but Sayori took so much of your time already, and then Yuri and Natsuki got you to read with them… There wasn’t any time left for us other than when we shared poems each meeting.”

It pained me to admit it, but she was right. I could count the amount of times Monika and I talked alone on one hand and still have fingers left over. There was a minute of silence.

“Why didn’t you tell me any of this before, Monika?” I asked. “If you really wanted to get to know me better, I would’ve tried to set some time aside for you, you know. I didn’t think you were a bad person or anything, just…too busy, I guess. You always seemed like you were in the middle of something.”

Monika sighed.

“You’re right. I couldn’t escape the reality of my position at school. Being the club president carried more weight than I’d imagined, on top of all the other school activities I was involved in. But I tried to make it work where I could. Why do you think I wanted us to exchange poems every day? Once or twice a week would’ve been more reasonable – if anything, daily poems would dry up whatever wells of creativity we had. I stuck with it, though, because it was also the only guaranteed time during club hours that we would ever be able to talk to each other.”

Her eyes welled up. “In the end, I think it boiled down to envy. It sounds so petty now compared to how it felt before, but it’s the truth. I wanted to spend time with you, but I was so bitter that the other girls would keep stealing all that time away that I desired you more and more, and it gradually became an obsession. And that’s when I remembered Sayori’s depression.

“Sayori used to come to me if she was having problems with it, you know. And at first, I did want to help her, honestly. Despite everything I wound up doing to her, I really do value her as a friend. I kept her as vice president of the club so she would be important and feel like she had a purpose. I would call her on the phone just to show her I cared. I held her when she cried. I gave her all sorts of tips to drive her negative thoughts away. I don’t know how much any of it helped, but she trusted me. And then you joined the club, and…and…”

Monika cried softly. She fell to her knees, her face buried in her hands.

“I started to manipulate her. That’s the worst thing.” Monika sniffed, her voice shaking. “I would make her feel like an idiot in private with condescending remarks and chiding her for silly mistakes over things that really meant nothing. I made her feel like a burden because I was suddenly “busy” whenever she needed to talk. I fed her sad, bogus stories from my childhood so she’d feel like she had nothing to feel bad about by comparison. I eroded what little self-worth she had by implying that Yuri and Natsuki wanted to spend time with you too, and told her to stop hogging you all to herself. It was a slow burn. I still treated her nicely most of the time, but by that point, I knew her buttons and I knew how to push them, and when I thought I needed to, I didn’t hesitate.”

I turned away from her. I didn’t know what to do, or if I could even look at her right now.

“She trusted me with her darkest secret,” Monika mumbled, “and then you came into the picture, and I turned that secret against her. If it meant getting you, I valued my happiness over hers. I don’t deserve her _or_ you.”

My expression softened. I didn’t have the heart to be as angry as I should’ve been, after knowing how torn up she was.

“Believe me; I never wanted her to actually try and kill herself, and I’d _never_ tell her to, but that doesn’t make what I did any better. Yuri was already too shy to confess her feelings, and Natsuki never seemed to show that sort of interest in you. All I’d intended to do was make Sayori’s depression act up just enough that she, too, wouldn’t confess her love to you. I was so far into my obsession with being with you that I stopped thinking of Sayori as a person, like she wasn’t real.

“I justified it to myself at first; I told myself that Sayori had manipulative moments of her own. I told myself that once you and I were together, I would apologize and stop doing this to Sayori, and start treating her like a good friend again, instead of constantly making her feel unworthy of you. In the end, though, I think I just proved that about myself. Ahaha…”

Her laugh was empty and bitter.

“You know, I never even considered how you felt in all this. If I really loved you, I would’ve told you my feelings and let you decide for yourself who you liked. At least if you picked me then, it’ll have been because you wanted me. But instead, I was weak and selfish, and I wanted to make sure I was the only choice for you.”

I had no idea what to even say. I couldn’t look Monika in the eyes.

“When I heard that Sayori was in the hospital Monday morning because she tried to kill herself, I nearly puked on the spot. I felt so sick; I knew I’d gone way too far. I felt like I’d killed her. I couldn’t bear to go to school and look anyone in the eyes, even though nobody knew I was intentionally messing with her. Every night since then, every bad thing I did and said to her plays through my head. I haven’t gotten a wink of sleep in the past two days because I’ve been such an awful friend.”

Her whole body was shaking by now. “If this is how Sayori felt about herself before I messed with her, then…this makes me even worse.”

I couldn’t understand anything else she tried to tell me.

I couldn’t bear to watch her break down like this; I had to say something – anything. “So this is what you were talking to Sayori about last night.”

She didn’t reply, but slowly nodded. I left her there for a couple minutes to compose herself. Eventually she got to her feet, her face a mess of tears.

“And that’s…about the gist of it, really.” She sniffed. “I got so obsessed with you that I was willing to trample all over my friends just to make sure I had you. And you and Sayori nearly paid the ultimate price for it.” She laughed, despite herself. “Ahaha~ It sounds even more pathetic now.”

She motioned to the branch I’d tossed aside. I reached over and picked it up.

“And now it’s your turn. You heard all the terrible things I did to your best friend, so now you get to decide what happens to me. Whatever you think I deserve, even if I die here…” She composed herself. “I’m ready. I’ll have earned every bit of it.”

I felt sick to my stomach, hearing her talk like this. Did Monika honestly _want_ me to kill her?

“Monika… One question first.”

She nodded. “Okay.”

“What did you tell Sayori in the hospital that night, and how did she react?”

She sighed. “I know it seems unbelievable now, but I really do care for the Literature Club and everyone in it. That includes you and Sayori, and that’s why I wanted to fix my mistakes with everyone while I still could. I apologized to her over and over for what I said. I told her I didn’t mean any of it, and that I still consider her a close friend, and that if she gave me a second chance, I would be the real friend I promised her I’d be.”

“What’d she say?”

It was quiet for a while. “I’m not sure she believed me. We hugged each other, and she said she understood, but I can’t help but feel like she just wanted me to leave her as soon as I could.” Several tears slid down her cheeks. “In an ideal world, it’d be Sayori holding that branch right now. It’s my fault she’s not here to.”

She’d closed her eyes, in quiet acceptance of whatever revenge I had planned.

Monika was only a couple feet away now. I could easily swing and hit her from here. I was breathing hard, tears starting to roll down my cheeks. Up close, I could see Monika’s calm appearance start to crumble as she lightly shook where she stood.

Whatever anger I held towards her at that point dissolved into nothing. Hell with it.

“Next thing I want you to do, Monika, is look at me when I do this.”

Reluctantly, she opened her eyes. The fresh tears she had stored in her shut eyes spilled. She gasped in spite of herself, seeing how close I was to her.

I tossed the stick to the side, and pulled Monika in for a hug, one she didn’t return.

“Anon, w-what?”

“Whatever it looked like that night, Monika, I know Sayori forgave you. And if she forgave you, I can accept that.”

I pulled away from her. Monika was tall for a high school girl, nearly as tall as me, but now she looked shrunken and scared, like a lost child. “W-What about you, though?”

“Honestly…I don’t know if I can just yet. You knew she had a problem, and you exploited that to get what you wanted. And now she’s in the hospital.”

She looked despondent, but eventually nodded. “You’re right. If you can’t forgive me, then I need to accept that as well.”

I pulled her in for another hug, but her arms remained at her sides again. “I’m very mad at what you did. But I never said I wouldn’t forgive you. Just…maybe not now. I know if Sayori died, I’d never want to see you again. But she’s alive, and I know she wants to give you a second chance. The least I can do is honor that for her. Past all this obsessive crap, deep down, you’re still my friend, Monika, and I want you to move past this. I don’t want you to beat yourself up anymore.”

Monika stood still, like she couldn’t process what she had just heard. She eventually threw her arms around me, pressing her head into my shoulder, letting her feelings out as she soaked my shoulder with more tears. “T-This is more than I deserve, Anon. You are such a good friend.”

Despite myself, I felt myself start to tear up as well. “I already know someone who thinks she doesn’t deserve anything good she gets. This time, I’m stepping in before it ends badly. And also…”

“Hm?”

“I don’t think I’m entirely guiltless here, with what happened to Sayori.”

The surprise caused Monika to pull back, her features twisted in confusion. “What are you talking about?”

“I know you tried to manipulate Sayori into not confessing her love for me,” – Monika grimaced at the reminder – “but she actually did anyway, last Sunday.”

“The day before she-“ Monika started.

“Yeah. And I tried doing what I thought was best for her. I thought she needed a friend more than a boyfriend, so I turned her down.” Saying it out loud made me feel even more ashamed. “Looking back, I’m sure that was part of what pushed her over the edge. It seems so obvious now.”

Monika’s face looked crestfallen, but her voice carried some anger in it. “You… You mean all this happened, and you didn’t even love her back?”

“No, I do! She’s the most important person to me. It was because of her that I joined the Literature Club in the first place. Before, I was perfectly happy just getting by on average grades and feeding my addiction to anime, or at least I thought I was happy. I had no friends other than her, and I’d even started to push her out of my life before she invited me to the club. She showed me some of what I was really missing in life. Friends and passion and all that. I can’t think of anyone else I’d rather spend my life with.

“But, well… you know how she gets when her depression acts up a lot. You didn’t see her that day. She was desperate and crying the whole time. I was afraid if I said yes, that she’d think I was only with her because I pitied her. And I was scared that she’d become too dependent on me. I’d love to be with her more than anything, but I want her to learn to be happy for herself first.”

Monika calmed down, nodding. “I think I understand you.” She looked down at the ground again. “You know, I was really hoping I wouldn’t have to bring this up, because it hurts to think about it. But if it helps make things right, I can stand it.”

“Bring what up?”

“I don’t think I have much of a right to say this, especially after what I did to her, but…”

She looked to me for reassurance, and I urged her to continue.

“Sayori’s stronger than you think. She was stronger than I thought, too. Even with her depression in mind, I tried to break her,” Monika said, regret flashing across her face at the memory, “and it wasn’t always easy. Some days, she would give in right away, but other days it seemed like she would brush off almost anything I’d tell her. And the day she confessed to you was one of those days.”

“How’d you know? You weren’t with her.”

“I was, though. Kind of. It was just online, but we were chatting through our webcams. Sayori was trying to show me a poster she’d designed for the club. It was cute, but I kept giving her a hard time about it – a crease here, a poor color choice there.” Monika chuckled sadly. “God, I was so awful to her. But she never broke down crying, like I’d expected her to.”

Despite Monika’s pitiable expression, I couldn’t help the flashes of anger thundering through my brain at the thought of her tormenting Sayori.

“Like you expected her to?”

Monika winced at my tone. “Eventually, that’s what she sounded like – like you just now. She threw down the crayon she was holding, told me off for being such an awful bitch, and cut the chat. It was the last time we talked before I saw her at the hospital. At the time, I was happy to see how much I had messed with her, but…” she trailed off mid-sentence. “After she left school early before, I should’ve known that I’d been going too far in how I was treating her.”

My memory flashed back to Sunday, and suddenly I realized that it wasn’t just Sayori’s imagination being mean to her that day.

Tears ran down Monika’s cheeks as her eyes glanced as far away from me as she could get them. “And then she almost killed herself. It hurts so, **so** much, knowing that the last time we ever talked to each other could’ve been me just using her as some pawn in my selfish scheme.” She had a pained look on her face, like she was going to be sick.

Her face had gone pale. Looking at her, my anger faded again. “But then you were able to talk to her at the hospital.”

Monika nodded, some of the color returning to her face. She blushed, chuckling despite herself. “There was a lot of messy crying between us. It wasn’t either of our proudest moments, but I was so glad to be able to talk with her again, even if it seemed like she didn’t really forgive me. We both apologized to each other over and over that night.”

I couldn’t help but crack a bit of a smile at the mental image of the two of them apologizing nonstop. “She apologized too?”

“Mmhm,” Monika answered. “She told me she had no right to take out her frustrations on me, and that she was sorry for not taking the vice president position seriously enough if she couldn’t even meet my standards.” She sighed. “Of course, most of that was my doing in the first place, so she really didn’t need to say sorry. I guess I was just too relieved that she was alive to protest. If she was feeling guilty, I was going to let her get it off her chest. I’d had enough of exploiting her problems.”

Her voice dropped to a murmur, but our eyes met again, and her voice grew more confident. “I chalked up my terrible behavior to her as the pressures of being the club president getting to me. It wasn’t the truth by a long shot, but I absolutely could not tell her how I felt about you. If there was even the tiniest chance that Sayori would reject you because she thought you’d be happier with me, I wasn’t going to take it. It hurt that I couldn’t be completely honest with her, but I think it’s better this way.”

The sun shifted in the sky above, scattering the shadows and causing me to literally see Monika in a new light. Looking at her tear-soaked, now illuminated cheeks, it finally struck me just how much Monika was giving up here. I felt a strong urge to pull her in for another embrace, but she continued on before I could do so.

“Sayori might think she’s worthless, but even she knows when she’s getting a raw deal. I think if you were actually with her just out of pity, she’d know. And she’d never let you get away with it, even if it was for your sake rather than hers.” She had long since stopped bawling and appeared to be more composed than before, but I could tell this was still bothering her.

“She’s not always so vulnerable, you know,” she added. “It’s just that she…feels alone. Depression is like that. Even with Natsuki, Yuri, and I there to give her advice and comfort her, she still usually felt like she had to face her problems alone. She’s pretty bad about bottling up her feelings.” Monika allowed herself a small smile. “She wrote a poem about that, you know.”

I remembered it, and I felt like slapping myself for not cluing in earlier. “I’ve been pretty stupid about this, haven’t I?”

“You’re different, though,” Monika continued, as if she didn’t hear me. “Something about you breaks up her ‘rainclouds’, as she calls them. I did tell you once that it seemed like you joining the club sparked a new light within her. I promise you I was not lying about that. Those days, where it seemed like I couldn't make her feel bad? I'm sure those were on days where she was thinking about you. It’s nice that you want to help her help herself, but she needs you with her, for support. I think that’s the only way she’s ever going to get anywhere with her condition.”

She was right. I could point her to any psychiatrist or therapist I wanted, but it wouldn’t mean anything unless she thought she was worthy of help. And if she couldn’t convince herself of that, maybe there’s a chance I could…

There was a few more minutes of silence between us before I spoke up.

“There’s just one more thing nagging at me.” I told her.

“What is it?”

“You said you were obsessed with me, right?”

She hesitated, but nodded. “More or less.”

“Be honest. How do you feel about me now? This all can’t be easy for you.”

“I…” She glanced around nervously, before letting out a deep breath. “I can’t control how I feel about you. I still love you. But I’ll leave you be. I mean it. Because even though it hurts me to admit it, I couldn’t accept you now even if you returned my feelings. I caused so much hurt in trying to be with you that even if you did love me back, all I’d be able to think about is what almost happened because of me.”

 _Ouch._ “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” she replied. “I did this myself. Once Sayori’s out of the hospital, I swear I’m going to fix as much of the damage I caused her as I can. If I can make her depression worse, I can at least try and make it a little better, right? Just…make her happy, okay? As best as you can. Do what I couldn’t do for her.”

My heart thudded against my chest. I felt a sudden, peculiar impulse. “If I go to the hospital right now and tell Sayori that I love her, you think she would accept it?” I asked.

Monika gave me a sad smile. “I think she’s been waiting for that since Monday. Might not exactly be the best idea right now, though.”

“Why?”

Monika smiled, the first truly genuine smile I’ve seen from her all day. “Because she’d hate it if you skipped school for her sake. Remember?”

I chuckled nervously. “Aha…Of course. So, what now?”

Monika glanced at her phone. “Head back to school, I guess. The class we skipped is long over now, but we’re only partway into the next, so we can still make it… Uh, we should go separately, though. The last thing Sayori needs to hear is that we were caught walking out of the woods together.”

 _Yikes._ “Good call. Although didn’t we walk into the woods together? What if someone saw that?”

“Oh. Ahaha~ I guess I wasn’t thinking very clearly earlier. Well, I guess it’s up to you to explain it to her if she finds out. I’m not sure if Sayori would be so willing to trust me right now.”

“It might just be your guilt talking. Her depression was probably acting up, since she was like that when I saw her before you did. And I’m not sure I left her in the best mood that day, either. When I was there yesterday, she told me she was really happy you visited her.”

She solemnly nodded. “Maybe. Sayori’s too sweet for her own good sometimes. Talking with her eventually pushed me to go back to school today and try and make amends. You were affected worse than anyone who wasn’t her.”

“You tried to get me to beat you with a stick.”

“And at the time, I thought Sayori didn’t really forgive me. If I’d hurt you two enough that neither of you could forgive me, then I would’ve deserved whatever you did.”

“No. I meant you might have been affected even worse than me. I’m still…disturbed to have seen you like that.”

She shook her head. “It’s not the same thing. Don’t forget, I started all of this. Please don’t feel bad for me or my stupid feelings.”

I recalled Sayori telling me those exact words on Sunday. “I think I will anyway. You aren’t the only one who can’t control how you feel.”

She lightly socked me in the arm. “Stop being silly. Sayori needs you.”

“I know. I’m not going back to class today.”

She looked at me in surprise. “Wait, now? Sayori would hate it if you-“

I cut her off. “She might. But she needs to know how important she is to me, once and for all. She wants to be the bottom of everyone’s priority list, and I don’t want to reinforce that.”

Monika looked like she wanted to protest further, but gave up.

“And if it makes you feel any better, Monika – any better at all – I’ll say it right here and now: I forgive you for what you did. Completely. Just never, ever do anything like that again. Now please stop beating yourself up over this. The Literature Club needs its president. And Sayori needs her friend.”

Monika wore a tiny smile. Her green eyes had some light in them again. “Maybe there’s still some happiness here. For all of us,” she mused to herself.

### 

I stood outside Sayori’s hospital room. I’d been so determined back at school when I made my choice to come here, but now I just felt anxious. How would Sayori feel, knowing I left school early – again – to come see her?

 _No turning back now, though._ I opened the door.

Sayori had her back to me, her face turned towards the wall. She didn’t even look my way when I stepped through the doorway. For a minute, I thought she was asleep, until she spoke.

“Hey, Anon.” Somehow she could tell it was me without even looking. She sounded sleepy and listless, something I was slowly but surely getting used to from her.

She turned to face me. From the tone of her voice, I’d thought she had been crying, but there were no signs of tear streaks on her face. _She probably sounds so down because she might have just woken up._

I felt a little better realizing that, until I remembered why she overslept so much. I summoned my courage for what I’d have to eventually tell her. Today especially, I had to tread carefully.

“Hey.”

Sayori yawned. “What are you doing here so early?” she asked, oblivious to the bright morning sun streaming through her slightly closed blinds.

“It’s noon, Sayori.”

She looked at how bright the room was, even with the lights turned off.

“Oh. Ehehe~” In a flash, she was alert. “Wait, then that means you-“

“Yes, I did.”

Sayori sat up, pouting. “I thought I told you to look out for yourself.”

I crossed my arms, too. “I am. If I didn’t come here and tell you this now, it would just eat at me all day. School can wait. This is much better for me, trust me.”

Her scowl remained, but eventually softened.

“Well, if you’re here now anyway, then okay,” she relented, frowning, but her blue eyes were bright and attentive. “What’s bothering you?”

I hesitated, not sure how to begin. “I’ve had a lot of time, these past few days, to think about this.”

I felt pangs of guilt at her expression getting more worried. “After…After you confessed your love to me last Sunday, you mentioned something about wanting things to be the same they’ve always been. And I told you that I would do that, because I thought it was best for you.”

She nodded, the memories of that day evidently very clear.

“I’ve decided. I don’t want that.”

Her mouth hung open. “W-What?”

“Because the way things were, you were badly depressed and in so much pain, and you hid that from everyone you could. And I would feed into it because I didn’t know any better. I wouldn’t trade my memories with you for anything, but the way things were landed you in this hospital. It nearly cost you your life, and it nearly cost me someone I couldn’t stand to live without.”

Sayori’s eyes glistened, making me feel crappy. _I’ve been pretty lucky so far, getting through to her. I just really hope my luck doesn’t run out now._

I continued. “And deep down, I’m not sure you want that, either. On Sunday, you were desperate and hurting. But you confessed, because you thought it would make you happy if I said yes. You thought we could be something more, and you decided you wanted that instead of what we’d always had.”

Sayori stared down at her bedsheets, blood pooling in her cheeks. I sighed. “I think we’ve both been lying. To ourselves and to each other. We both meant well, but… we’re only hurting ourselves, doing that.”

She still didn’t look at me, but she patted the spot next to her on her bed, inviting me to sit down. I set my backpack on the floor and move to join her.

“Thanks.” I said.

She sighed. “Thank _you_. I know I said I didn’t want you to cut school for me, but I guess it feels kinda nice that you care so much. Even if it hurts a bit. I’m actually glad to see you. I was scared this morning.”

She looked up at me. “I’m worried about Monika.”

“What about her?”

“She visited again today – really, _really_ early, something like five in the morning. She looked terrible. I don’t think she slept at all last night, either.”

I recalled seeing her rough appearance this morning.

“I thought visiting hours didn’t start till nine.”

“They don’t. She was right outside my window. Lucky for her I’m on the first floor. I couldn’t open the window for her, but she just shouted through the window glass instead. My voice was still too hoarse to shout that loudly so I just listened to what she said.”

Flashbacks of our conversation, of how badly Monika had broken down, ran through my head. “What’d she say?”

“She was talking about something important she had to do at school. Wouldn’t tell me what it was. A-And that whatever happened today, she’s always been glad to be my friend, and that it was such a weight off her chest that we apologized to each other. Then she left, and I was petrified!”

Sayori suddenly grabbed the front of my shirt collar with both hands and buried her head in my chest, sobbing. “Did you see Monika today? Tell me she’s okay!”

_‘Whatever you think I deserve, even if I die here… I’m ready. I’ll have earned every bit of it.’_

Monika’s words played in my head like a piano.

“I saw her in the halls today. We…talked,” I answered, leaving out the details of her offer.

“Is…Is she alright?” Sayori's voice shuddered.

“She’s fine.” I ran a hand through her hair, trying to soothe her. “She told me everything – about how she treated you, and how sorry she was that things got this bad. It looked like she felt a lot better after she got it off her chest.” I smiled at her. “I think everything’s going to be okay. I didn’t have any nightmares last night.”

“I didn’t either,” she mumbled, mostly to herself. She pulled back from me. The bruises on her neck had lightened a bit, and there were no red spots on the bandages. What little I could see of her cuts had started to turn to scars.

“I’d say everything is going to go back to normal,” I began, “but it won’t. There’s…some things I need to accept first.”

“Like what?”

“Like you. And I don’t just mean because you tried to hang yourself.”

“W-What do you mean?”

I let out a deep breath, hoping I could say exactly what was on my mind. “I feel like I haven’t really understood you. I’ve known you the longest, but I don’t think I can say I know you the best. Even when you told me about your depression, I wanted to think of you as the same cheery girl who could brighten anyone’s day, even though that wasn’t the case.”

“That’s what I wanted you to do, though!”

“It wasn’t fair to you. You needed help, and you needed me, and I preferred my fantasy to reality.”

Her face fell. “So you do think worse of me, then. This is all my fault. If I’d just been honest with you from the beginning…”

I gently held her by the shoulders. “I don’t think worse of you. If anything, I think worse of me because I had trouble accepting the real you. On the one hand, you’re Sayori – my closest friend, vice president of the Literature Club, and an all-around wonderful person.”

She didn’t reply.

“And on the other hand, you’re Sayori – my closest friend who struggles with rainclouds and insecurity, vice president of a Literature Club she sometimes feels inadequate for…and still an all-around wonderful person. I’m sorry, Sayori. I should’ve checked on you that day after you went back inside. If I’d taken the time to get to know you – the real you – then I think I could’ve stopped all this from happening.”

Sayori was still silent, trying to process all this.

“I said this yesterday, and I’ll say it again today – I thought you were a burden. I was wrong.”

“You weren’t.” She was so depressed and miserable-looking that I didn’t expect her voice to be as powerful as it was.

“I held you back so much, Anon. Your grades, your attendance, all of that suffered because of me. And even after you fixed yourself by getting rid of me, I only got you to join the Literature Club because I was so desperate to talk to you again. I couldn’t stand to be away from you, even though I knew it was better for you this way…”

She collapsed into hysterics. I couldn’t bear to watch her this way. I hugged her closer.

“I’m selfish. That’s all I am. I don’t deserve you,” she choked out.

I had to put a stop to this.

“I didn’t realize how important you were to me until I saw what being away from you was like. I thought I could get by on just getting by in school. I didn’t need friends; all I needed was some flavor-of-the-month anime to tide me over, or so I thought. You helped me enjoy life again. You gave me something to look forward to, and I’m so sorry I took that for granted. You’re the most important person in my life. And maybe you don’t believe me. But if it takes me the rest of my life to prove it, so be it. I’ll make sure you see yourself the way I see you.”

“Anon…”

“I love you, Sayori.”

I thought it would be harder to say those words, but they slipped out like a bar of soap, as if I was always meant to say them. She gave a tiny gasp as she clutched me tighter. I could hear the gears in her head working overtime to try to spin this negatively, but in that moment there was no hiding that unbiased, unfiltered reaction.

“I really do. When you confessed your love to me, I got scared. I was scared because I was looking at a Sayori I didn’t understand, instead of realizing the Sayori I knew was still there. And I was scared because I didn’t want you to think that I loved you out of pity, or because of your condition. But I want to clarify it now: I love you. The good and the bad, for better and for worse.”

She rested her forehead against my chest. “I…I love you too. More than anything. I want to be with you forever.”

She looked up at me, her eyes glistening, her mouth silent. Her arms fell back to her sides, breaking the hug. The room fell quiet for what seemed like ages.

Her gaze fell back to the bedsheets. After an eternity, she spoke, chuckling sadly. “It’s not too late to take it back, you know.”

 _Huh?_ “Why would I?”

“Because…it didn’t fix anything. I thought this would make me happy. This is what I wanted, really, but…” She looked up at me, frightened. “I feel horrible. It feels like thorns around my heart. I’m sorry, Anon. I just can’t be the person you need me to be.”

_She’s still sad? Her depression must be even worse than I’d imagined. But I wasn’t going to let that scare me anymore._

She sighed. “It’s okay,” she said, as her expression and tears betrayed her. “If I can’t make myself or you happy, then you deserve someone better. There’re all sorts of girls in our year who are much better than me. Like the girls in the Cl-“

I kissed her on the forehead, which made her go silent.

“I like the other girls. As friends. I’m glad I met them, and they’re all wonderful. But I don’t think of them the way I think of you. You’re special to me, in ways nobody else is. Whether you believe me or not, you’ve done so many good things for me that I could never, ever leave you again. We’ll never be able to call them your burdens or my burdens ever again. They’ll be _our_ burdens.”

She took several heavy, shuddering breaths. “D-Do you really mean that?” Her voice was tiny, but her expression held a tiny bit of hope.

I nod. Without thinking, I lay down in her bed. I took it as a good sign that she laid down next to me, an arm around me.

I pulled out my phone, glancing at it. It hadn’t even been an hour since I’d arrived, yet it felt like so much had happened since this morning. I felt my eyes start to close; the talks with Monika and then Sayori took more out of me than I’d realized. I didn’t even know I was running on adrenaline till it had left me.

“Anon, are you okay?” Sayori must’ve noticed my change in demeanor.

“I’m fine, Sayori. Just tired. I think everything is catching up to me now.”

She said nothing, but started stroking my hair. She smiled. “Just rest here, then.”

Her cheeks went red. “And if you don’t mind, hold me like this.” How could I refuse? I slid my arms around her and held her close.

Unlike yesterday, I fell asleep in a flash. I must’ve been out for a while, too, since the hospital room was now bathed in an orange glow. I tried to move my left arm, but it was weighed down.

I looked over. Sayori had fallen asleep, too, nestled into my left arm, one arm across my chest and draped over my shoulder. As if we’d fallen asleep hugging. My phone had fallen out of my pocket, but with my arm pinned down I wasn’t able to reach it. I could tell it had been hours since I’d entered her room.

“Sayori…” I whispered. No luck. I wriggled my arm out from under her, unfortunately jostling her too much in the process. She stirred next to me, groaning as she was roused from her sleep. I felt bad for disrupting her sleep, but my arm was starting to go numb.

The feeling gradually returned to my arm as she sat up, leaning herself against the wall. Her short hair was even messier than usual. She took a deep breath. “Mmm…I think I needed that.”

I recalled how easily I had slept with her there. “Yeah, me too.”

“I’m glad you slept well, too. Reminds me of all those sleepovers we used to have when we were younger,” she said, smiling.

That was kind of an exaggeration – if we could help it, we didn’t sleep in the same bed. But being in the same room often helped both of us feel secure and happy when we shut our eyes. And right now, she looked more peaceful than she had been in the past few days, much more like the carefree Sayori she presented to others. Age had decidedly not eroded the effect that sleeping near each other had on her.

Sadly, that peace was soon cleared out, replaced with a wistful look on her face.

“What’s wrong?” I asked, sitting up next to her.

“Nothing. I’m just thinking about everything that’s happened between us. I can’t believe that you actually did love me back. You. And me. A couple. Boyfriend and girlfriend.”

Her face was such a twisted mixture of emotions that it was hard to guess her thoughts.

“Is that a good thing?”

“It’s the best thing!” She smiled as widely as she’d allow herself to, given her jumbled feelings. “For me, anyway. As for you, I just hope you know what you’re getting yourself into.”

“What do you mean?”

“All those times you’d cook and clean for me when we were younger? I, um, haven’t exactly gotten any better at those. You know how klutzy I am. Things just tend to go wrong with me around.”

That was more self-deprecating than I felt comfortable hearing; that last sentence was too carefully worded to be anything else. I hoped that someday I’d be able to break her cycle of negative thinking.

“Just because I said it was a mistake to leave you on your own to get better doesn’t mean I’m not gonna try and improve you, now that we’re a couple.” My heart fluttered as I said that. “I’ll teach you all the basics I know about cooking. Plus, well, my menu’s a bit limited. I think bacon and ramen for breakfast gets old after the third day. I’d like to see the kinds of recipes you can cook up.”

“Maybe one day, I’ll make breakfast for you,” Sayori said, lost in her own head. “I can picture it now: The Sayori Omelette. You can’t make one without breaking a few eggs on the floor.”

I laughed. “Beautiful.” I was the only one who did.

Sayori stared straight ahead, as listless as before. I’d have to be dense as a neutron star to not see something was bothering her.

“What’s on your mind?”

“I’m still feeling anxious, I guess,” she murmured, “now that we’re…a thing.”

She sighed. “You know, I’m afraid most of our days are probably gonna be like this.”

“What, in a hospital?”

She pursed her lips, too apathetic to either be angry or play along with my joke.

“The nurses are really nice, but I don’t want to ever come back here if I can help it. No, I mean just us. Like this. You having to try and make me feel better, all the time. I know you say you want to help me, but I really can’t be helped. My brain is just…screwed up. It’s not just you; everyone wants to find an answer that doesn’t exist.” Sayori stared at nothing in particular. “That’s why I’m always telling people that their care and sympathy is wasted on me. It never amounts to anything. It’s useless on someone like me.”

I cuddled her closely. “Listen, Sayori. I’ve watched crappy animes multiple times over for no other reason than that I didn’t want to do anything. I’ve sat at my desk for literal hours trying to make headway on a poem and getting nowhere. I know a lot about wasted time and wasted effort. Sitting here and spending time with you is neither.”

“But why me-“

“And before you say it, you aren’t useless either. Far from it,” I interjected. I grasped her hand in one of mine, looking sheepish. “I…kinda kept this from you because I was worried you’d feel guilty about it. But I guess it would’ve been better if you knew from the beginning.” This story was now or never.

She regarded me curiously. “What is it?”

“After you left last Friday, Yuri and Natsuki got into another argument.”

Sayori looked dejected, a small frown creasing her features. “…I guess I’m not very surprised. What was it about?”

I shrugged. “Eh. Hell if I remember.”

“What does it have to do with me, then?” She looked unsure of where I was going with this.

“Well, the argument on Friday…didn’t end so peacefully.”

“Oh…” Her face fell. “Maybe I should’ve stayed that day.”

I waved off her concerns. “It’s in the past. They’ve gotten along a lot better since then. Even if Natsuki likes messing with her still.”

“They get along better without me?”

“They get along better _because_ of you. From what I’ve been told, what’s kept them from arguing the past few days is knowing that’s not what you’d want. And on Friday, Monika and I couldn’t get them to stop, even though I tried all the same stuff you did before.”

“Ehehe~” she giggled, despite her otherwise languid expression. “I guess telling Yuri her boobs were big and beautiful probably sounded a lot worse coming from you.”

“Come on. Even I wasn’t dumb enough to try that one. But just thinking of you has kept those two from arguing about anything… err, as far as I know, anyway.”

“I’m sure you’re exaggerating. If it was that bad, I don’t think I would’ve made a difference.”

“Mm. I have my doubts. But what I’m trying to get at is that something about you just makes people want to get along and be happy. And everyone else wants to make you happy because of it.”

“Do I deserve to feel happy?”

“After what she did to you, Monika felt like she didn’t deserve to feel happy either. And I’m sure Natsuki and Yuri have all had their bad moments too. What would you tell them if they said that to you right now?”

Sayori had no answer for that.

I kissed her on the forehead again. “You just wait. Somehow, someway, I’ll make sure you can be happy.”

She gave me a tearful smile, leaning into me. This one looked genuine, but her voice wasn’t much more than a mumble. “You’re off to a really good start. I’m glad you haven’t left me. Though…” Sayori’s smile disappeared. “Are you sure you won’t get tired of trying to make me feel better all the time?”

“What, complimenting my wonderful girlfriend?” I rolled my eyes, unable to keep the sarcasm out of my voice. “Oh no! How will I ever manage?”

She rolled her eyes in response, though it was followed by a flash of regret. “You say that now, but I’m sure you’ll run out of nice things sooner or later.”

I fiddled with the bow in her hair. “Well, I can say I’m getting new material all the time. So let’s just see how far I can take this, okay?” My sight inevitably fell on her neck bandages. “Any word on how much longer you’ll be here?”

She shrugged. “At least another few days. They said I’m a low-risk patient, but they still want to do more tests for brain damage and stuff…” she trailed off.

“That’s fair. It’s just…the club’s not the same without you, you know.”

“Or you, Anon. I know you’re worried about me, and I’m so glad with what happened with us today, but please go to the Literature Club tomorrow. I don’t even mean this in an ‘I’m not worth it’ or a ‘Date one of the other girls’ kind of way. Just because we’re a couple now doesn’t mean you get to just shove all the other girls out of your life. That’d make me feel even worse.”

After hearing horror stories about how clingy a few of the girls in school could get, I felt yet another rush at how lucky I’d gotten with her. “Okay, I’ll go to the Club tomorrow. Then I’m coming here right after that, okay?”

She gave me a small smile. “Now that’s more like it. I’ll be waiting for you, Anon!”

I glanced at the clock. “Think they’d let me stay the night?”

“Don’t push it, Anon. It’s a school night, and you are not walking six miles to class. Now Friday, on the other hand…”

She didn’t finish her sentence, and she didn’t have to. Our smiles grew, and I knew right then and there that she was worth any struggle.

### 

The doors to the school’s roof were already propped open, so I’d grown used to the bright light by the time I’d climbed the stairs. I wasn’t alone up here; with today being such a nice day, a lot of other students chose to eat their lunch up here and admire the view of the neighborhood from such a dizzying height.

Several students turned to look at me when I stepped onto the roof, but I only had eyes for one. After a few sweeping glances, I spotted Sayori by the red bow in her hair, sitting on one of the benches near the roof’s edge. I waved to her, and it wasn’t long before she noticed and waved back, beaming.

Yuri and Natsuki were with her, sitting on opposite sides. Yuri sighed, looking reluctant as she passed Sayori something, but she gave a start when she saw me, as if I saw something I shouldn’t have. She quickly masked it with a warm smile. Whatever she passed to her, Sayori was quick to hide it away.

“Hello, Anon! It’s good to see you,” Yuri greeted, looking slightly flustered as she rose to her feet. She gave me a quick bow, smiling as she straightened herself out.

Natsuki scarfed down the rest of her lunch in record time. “Hey, Anon. Good timing. Yuri and I were just about to leave. See you two at the club later, right?” She nodded at me, giving Sayori one more quick hug before walking off, Yuri following behind.

I turned to Sayori, the two of us by ourselves now in our own little section of the roof. Despite my curiosity as to what Yuri gave her, I decided not to press her on what it was.

“I’m a little surprised I didn’t see Monika up here with you. I kind of figured she’d be all over you with attention, considering what happened.”

Sayori held up her phone, which I just now noticed was buzzing.

“She said she’d be up here with me if she didn’t get roped into a meeting she couldn’t get out of. She’s been sending me supportive messages all day. It’s been a little suffocating, to be honest. But I think it makes her feel better to send me these, so I can stand it for that.”

“I’m glad you two are able to get along again.”

“Me too. When I saw her this morning, she was looking a lot more rested than when I saw her in the hospital. I’m hoping she’s able to move past this.”

_Speaking of moving past…_

“How’s your first day back going so far?” I asked her. “Hope it hasn’t been too rough on you.”

She…pouted? “Okay, I guess. Kind of weird to just show up in class one day, after I almost died last week.”

Somehow, it hadn’t crossed my mind how awkward it might look from her perspective.

I looked down at her. Her bandages had been removed, but the collar of her uniform was loose, and some of the bruising and scars were still pretty visible if you knew where to look. “Has anyone given you a hard time about anything?”

Sayori sighed. “Not really. Actually, if anything, it’s the opposite. There was a lot of whispering and a lot of staring. I could tell they wanted to say something. None of the other students actually talked to me, though. It’s like they thought I’d go crazy and kill them if they got too close.”

I patted her on the head, smiling condescendingly. “That’s my little serial killer.”

My hand was shoved away. “Ugh, not you too!” She crossed her arms. “Even the teachers were being weird about it. My biology teacher pulled me aside after class and gave me a spiel on how precious the gift of life is, and that I should talk to someone before I do something that selfish again.”

I scowled, fuming. “What the hell is that guy’s problem?” I pulled her into an embrace.

She sighed again, wiping her eyes. “Don’t bother. Yuri and Natsuki already looked like they planned on killing him when I told them. At least my other teachers were nice…some of them were too nice.”

I tried to lighten the mood. “What, free A’s for the rest of the year? I was the one who found you that night. Ask them if I can get in on that deal. Lord knows I need it by this point.”

She broke the hug, chuckling. “No, not that. They all offered to set time aside and talk to me if I ever felt like hurting myself again.”

“It sounds really nice of them. I’m sure they do care about you.”

“I know, it’s just… I don’t think I like all this attention. They keep reminding me of what I tried to do, even though I’m sure they don’t mean to. I just want to move past it. I’m not really happy or sad about what happened; it’s just…something that happened.”

“What about my attention?”

“You and the other girls are different, though. You all know me as more than the ditzy girl who tried to off herself one morning. Attention from you seems more…genuine.”

“I bet it’ll all calm down sooner or later. Things will get easier with time.“ I hoped my smile would reassure her.

She groaned. “Maybe. Either way, the cat’s out of the bag now. Everyone knows what I tried to do, whether I like it or not. I won’t be able to escape that.“

I was too late. She’d already fallen into a depressed funk.

I looked at her, trying to change the subject. “Do you come up here often?”

She shook her head, keeping her eyes off me. “Not really. Sometimes when my mood’s acting up I’ll come up here. Change of scenery, you know?”

She leaned against the fence surrounding the perimeter, hands clasped around the chain links. “I like the view. It’s…nice.”

I noticed she was gazing pointedly at the concrete, close to if not more than a hundred feet below. On impulse, I pulled her in for a hug, and it seemed to do the trick; though she isn’t loud with her sobbing, I can still feel her tears moistening my shirt.

“You know, that fence didn’t used to be there,” I told her.

She nodded in recognition. “I know. And I’m sure I know why they added it, too.”

“Mmhm. You were the wakeup call the school needed. They finished it in record time, too; I think they did the final touches just a couple days ago.”

“Of all the weird things I’ve done, the one that got me noticed in this school was me trying to kill myself…” She put her arms around my neck, letting out a sobbing giggle. “I’m sorry, Anon.”

“Don’t be. I’m sure this fence will save someone’s life someday. Maybe even more than one. So maybe it’s not all bad that people know what happened.”

She sighed into my chest. “I guess I was good for something after all. That’s good, because I still feel it, you know.”

“Feel what?”

“That emptiness. Those rainclouds. It’s how I felt when I tried to die.”

I was in shock. “S-Still?”

The terror on my face must have been palpable, because Sayori is quick to hold me even closer.

“Don’t worry. I don’t think I could put you all through that again.”

Hearing her say that so honestly should have put me at ease, but something was still eating at me.

“Hey, Sayori?”

“Mm?” She looked up at me, looking anxious about how serious I looked all of a sudden.

“It’s about the idea I gave you yesterday. Do you think you’ll be ready to try today? No rush if you aren’t feeling comfortable with it.”

Our eyes meet. Her blood seemed to run cold at the thought.

“I-I don’t know. I’ll think about it, okay?”

“It’s alright, Sayori.” She sinks her head back into my chest. “It’s okay. Take your time. You’re more than welcome to stay at my place as long as you need.”

I wasn’t sure if I was ready, either. Just thinking about it got my heart rate going. We stayed quiet, wondering how long we could really put off the inevitable.

### 

“Okay, everyone!” Monika’s confident voice cut through the quiet air. “I think our time’s up for today. Remember to write a poem for tomorrow!”

There was the sound of everyone putting away books and journals.

“Ready to walk home?” Sayori and I exchanged smiles. _Of course we were._

“Sayori?” It was Monika. “Do you mind if I talk to you for a bit? Alone?”

I felt a chill run down my spine. Despite the talk Monika and I had, and despite personally forgiving her, I still wasn’t entirely keen on the idea of the two of them being alone in a room together. Monika gave me a sheepish look of silent understanding at my hesitation, but it wasn’t until Sayori nodded to me that I relented, walking out and waiting outside the classroom door, giving quick goodbye hugs to Natsuki and Yuri as they left for home.

Outside of the classroom, I couldn’t help but worry. I pressed an ear against the door, but the two of them were seated in the far corner of the room, and seemed to be talking quietly. I couldn’t make anything out.

Before too long, I heard footsteps approaching. Trying to act natural, I leaned against the wall as the classroom door opened. Sayori poked her head through.

“Anon?”

“Sayori? What’d Monika want?”

She ignored my question, looking at war with herself over something. “I… I think I’m ready now. For your idea.”

“You are?”

“Mmhm. I trust you.” She pressed her fingers together nervously. “But…could you please come with me?”

“Of course.” The easiest answer I’ve had all week. I hoped that Sayori wouldn’t get cold feet. This had to happen at some point. I held her hand the entire walk home.

### 

I’ve never enjoyed going into Sayori’s house less. Even the night I’d found her hanging suddenly didn’t seem so overbearing. I’d never noticed just how many squeaky stairs and creaky floorboards there were, and every one made me feel as uncomfortable as humanly possible in the deafening silence. I understood now why Sayori was so hesitant about coming back here.

Fortunately, she was here with me, or I’d be long gone, fighting the temptation to burn this place to the ground. In a sad way, even though she was the one who needed me with her, I think right now she’s doing a lot more good for me than vice-versa.

Despite opening the door to her room hundreds of times in my life, I’ve never, ever felt more uneasy about it than now. Sayori found her courage first and opened it herself after some hesitation. The door to Sayori’s room creaked, then swung open with her push.

Everything was the same.

Papers – some crumpled, some dotted with red-inked corrections – littered the floor, strewn about carelessly. Disorganized shelves lined the walls. Her blankets were crumpled, tossed aside and forgotten in the morning rush to fix her latest bout of oversleeping. Discarded shirts and shorts lay here and there. Even the few plants in her room had begun to wilt, drooping lethargically over the sides of their containers. Only her stuffed animals seemed to have been handled with any sort of care, being set up neatly at the foot of the bed or on the windowsill.

And, worst of all, the thin, fiber elephant in the room; the noose hung from the ceiling where it had always been, swaying mockingly in the otherwise still air. It had been forgotten that night in the rush, and evidently nobody had been in here since. A cruel reminder of what had happened all those days ago. The stool she had kicked over that night remained where it had fallen, a thin layer of dust doing a poor job of covering up the truth of what happened.

Seems like she had nobody else to come in here to take it down themselves, and I felt guilty for not removing it myself beforehand; secretly, I feared coming in here as much as she did. The events of that night ran roughshod through my mind like a tornado unleashed – no detail spared.

I was snapped out of my trance by the ragged, gasping breath next to me. For a second, I’d forgotten she was even there. But when I glanced over to her, it was as if Sayori had forgotten I was there, too. I could tell that we had both been fixated on the noose. Her shoulders shook as the reality of what she’d almost done came crashing down on her once again.

And then I heard it. Laughter – low, almost unrecognizable laughter – so completely alien that I looked around for the unknown third person who had joined us, but only found Sayori, who appeared completely dead on her feet, unable to make any noise that didn’t carry the risk of me wetting the carpet.

Finally, she spoke, but didn’t take her eyes off the swinging noose.

“Anon?” Despite being almost too quiet to even be a whisper, her tone was so monotone, so unlike her, that it seemed to echo in the room’s oppressive air.

“Y-Yeah, Sayori?” I was still frightened by her change in demeanor.

“Don’t stop me from this.”

“H-Huh?” _Stop her from what?_

But Sayori had already started forward. I reached a hand out to her, but her purposeful strides ahead were methodical, and yet still too fast for me to react to. My shoes felt full of cement as my brain screamed at me to stop her, but my feet remained planted where they stood.

“Sayori!”

She ignored me. Sayori grabbed the overturned stool and set it under where the noose was tied. She climbed up and peered down at me, with a smile that didn’t seem to reach her ears.

“I have to do this, Anon,” she droned. “Myself. If I don’t-”

She grabbed the noose’s loop. I surged forward with all my might, but my legs turned to jelly in my panic, and I stumbled and fell. I tried to scream her name, but my throat burned under the strain, as if I’d worn that noose myself. All that came out were hoarse groans; Sayori probably hadn’t even heard me.

Sayori held the loop close to her face and smiled, only a little more genuinely this time.

“-the pain will never stop.”

**_What did Monika say to her this time?_ **

I felt light-headed, and I tasted my lunch threatening to come up. In a flash, my phone was in my hand, ready to call an ambulance. My other hand was clutching the stool leg, holding it with all my strength to keep her from kicking it over again, and-

Sayori’s hand went somewhere I couldn’t see and was back out just as quickly. In her grip, she held a knife, whose metal gleamed off of her teary eyes, and whose edges were so sharp as to be nearly invisible from where I stood. What little I saw of the handle was intricately carved, designed by and for collectors. It was no ordinary knife.

_One of Yuri’s-!_

Sayori cried out, indistinguishable from some war cry of yesteryear. For a moment, I was reminded of that terrible encounter a week ago – _had it only been that long?_ – but I felt powerless and could only watch. She picked a spot on the noose and hacked away at the rope. A minute later, her breathing was heavy and the look in her eyes was feral as she held the rope’s loop, now detached from the rest and dangling uselessly in her hand like some kind of battle trophy. She threw the loop to the ground, where it lay dead at her feet.

“I’m done letting these stupid feelings define me!”

I managed to stand up and suppress my urge to vomit, but I couldn’t muster any other reaction. Gone was my plucky, gentle girlfriend and in her place was this berserk facsimile, a wild animal who had already grabbed the rest of the noose and was cutting away.

“I’m done letting these rainclouds control me!”

Another destroyed piece of rope lightly clattered as it hit the floor. Sayori’s face was red with effort and she panted as though she had just run three miles, but she was already working on a third.

“I’m done being sad-“

_Slice._

“-and tired-“

_Slice._

“-and I have a wonderful boyfriend-“

_Slice._

“-and so many friends at the Literature Club-“

_Slice._

“-and I’m sick of making them all worry!”

_Slice. Slice. Slice._

Finally, she jumped off the stool, the remnants of what was once a rope in tatters all over the floor, in more pieces than I cared to count. Her breathing heavy, she strode towards me, knife in hand, and I finally found my feet as I backed up out of reflex.

The red in Sayori’s eyes was a mix of tears and anger, but when my back hit the wall, she acted on neither of those feelings. She threw the knife to the floor, grabbed me around the back of my neck, and I felt her lips on mine with a ferocity that suggested she might die if we were separated. In all the years I’ve known her, I’ve never seen her act this assertive. Our lips couldn’t have been together for more than a few seconds, but it felt like an eternity before she separated herself from me.

_This was it. Our first lip-to-lip kiss._

My heart was still racing as she held onto me, but when I saw her pretty blue eyes fill with tears as her adrenaline began to peter out, I could only hug her back. She sobbed into my shoulder for the umpteenth time in the past week. I quietly accepted my new role in life as a tissue.

While I rubbed her back, the room was silent, save for her occasional sniffling.

“I’m sorry, Anon,” she choked out, nearly unintelligibly, but her voice felt like the only thing in the world at that moment. “I shouldn’t have done that. I don’t know what came over me, and I…” Her voice dropped into a mumble before collapsing entirely into more sobbing.

“It’s okay, Sayori.” I was still in shock, but as I shot a glance at the shredded remnants of the rope, I made an ugly scowl at the thing that had almost taken my wonderful girlfriend away from me. “I’m proud of you.”

“But you looked so uncomfortable when I walked up to you!” she protested, pulling away to look into my eyes. “I…” Her gaze was suddenly fixed to the floor. “I didn’t even think about how you felt and- Oh God!” She clapped a hand to her mouth. “And you probably thought I was going to-“

I wanted so badly to reassure her that I knew she’d never pull anything like that again, but the truth is, I still wasn’t entirely sure. I could research depression all I wanted, but I’d never be able to see it through the eyes of the people suffering from it.

But that doesn’t mean I couldn’t be there for them.

“It’s- It’s okay. I think I’ll live.” Against my better judgment, now that my heart rate was winding down to normal again, I had liked that kiss, forceful as it was. No, ‘ _liked_ ’ was an understatement, but I didn’t have the heart to ask too much out of her right now. Only that she be alive and well. And happy. “Never mind me. I’m more concerned about you. Did that…help any?”

Sayori said nothing, only walking to her bed and sitting down. Taking it as an invitation, I joined her. As she lay on her back and stared upward, I could only do the same, lying next to her. Her sweat mixed with what was left of her tears as she mulled over my question, finding patterns in the shadows left on her ceiling.

“I’m…not sure,” she admitted, after a minute passed. “It felt good, to cut up the rope like that. That was Monika’s idea. But it wasn’t the real problem.”

“No?”

She shook her head. “It’s the rainclouds. It was always the rainclouds. I feel like they’re laughing at me, knowing they got such a rise out of me. Knowing that I almost…killed myself. And the rainclouds aren’t something I can just cut to pieces.”

“’Course not,” I replied, before I could stop myself. “You are pretty short.”

Sayori let out a groan of frustration, but she snaps out of her reverie with a cute giggle.

“How did you even get Yuri’s knife in the first place? Err, that _is_ one of hers, right?”

“It is!” She giggled again. “One of her favorites, too. You like it?”

“I kind of wish we had that last week,” I mumbled, remembering how quickly it cut through the rope. “But why do you have it?”

Her face fell. “It’s a bit of a secret.” On instinct, I start scanning what I could see of Sayori’s forearms, hoping she didn’t pick up on any bad habits. “But Yuri was trying to be more open with everyone in the club about it. I guess ever since I got out of the hospital, everyone else is trying to be more open about their personal problems.”

She scrunched up her face in thought. “Then again, I should leave it to her to tell you exactly why. Yuri trusted me with this knife because she felt she couldn’t trust herself with it for right now. That’s all I’ll say for now.”

Sayori caught me staring at her arms. “I know what you’re thinking. I’m not gonna use it for that. Ever.”

She gave me a reassuring smile. It quickly fades into a frown despite her best efforts. She lets out a deep breath.

“I need to get this off my chest. Can I tell you something, Anon?” I nod. I turn my head towards her to find that she’s already staring at me, eyes swimming with tears.

“Do you- Do you promise you won’t think any worse of me for it?” Her voice was matted down with guilt.

I bite back all manners of snark. After all this, how could I ever think worse of her?

“I promise. What’s up?”

She sighed, avoiding my gaze again.

“For the first few days in the hospital, I hated you.”

Okay, I didn’t expect that.

“Sorry, I went too far there,” she said, looking glum. “I couldn’t ever hate you. But I did wish that you hadn’t rescued me. Truth is, after all the adrenaline from being rescued wore off, all that was there were the rainclouds, like always. I felt like I didn’t deserve to be saved. I wished that you just turned around and left the room when you saw me hanging. I wished that you would’ve given me up as a lost cause, like I had.”

Now it was my turn to tear up. On an impulse, I grab Sayori and hug her close to me, like she’d dissolve into dust if I let go. She gasped in surprise, but didn’t resist. Her head lay on my chest, finding a small amount of comfort in my breathing.

“Never.” My voice shuddered under pressure, but held.

“All I could think about were these stupid feelings. How awful and persistent they were, yet I also thought they were right. That I was worthless and that most people hated me and that everyone who didn’t _should_ hate me.”

“Sayori…” Despite my best efforts, my voice broke like an overtaxed dam.

“I’d even,” Sayori trailed off. She gulped, steeling herself for her next words. “I’d even planned on trying to kill myself again once I got out of there, hoping I would succeed that time.”

I was speechless. How could she still think herself so worthless despite all the evidence otherwise?

_I **will** help you defeat this, Sayori. No matter what._

“Ow! Anon!”

Oops.

I’d forgotten how hard I was clutching Sayori to me. I let go with a sheepish grin and an awkward apology, but she didn’t move her head from my chest. I ran a hand through her short hair, feeling the soft material of the bow she wore between my fingers.

“Please don’t worry about that, Anon. It was a stupid thought of mine. I’m past it now, I promise. Like I said, I couldn’t do that to you all again.”

I let out a breath I hadn’t realized I was holding. My heart rate slowly returned to normal. There was silence between us for several more minutes, nothing but the sound of my fingers moving through her hair.

“I noticed a past tense there. What made you stop hating me?” I asked, my tone a mix of curiosity and fear. She couldn’t still hate me, could she?

“I, um…” Sayori blushed. “I went through your phone a few days ago. After you confessed your love to me.”

I sputtered unintelligibly, the guiltiest of all blushes erupting onto my cheeks. “You did what?”

“Ehehe…” Her giggle died down, but she still wore a sheepish grin of her own, one that clashed with her wet eyes. “It’s my duty as your new girlfriend to go through your phone when you don’t want me to!”

“Hey wait, I did _not_ agree to any phone sear-“

She burst out laughing, something I hadn’t seen from her in over a week, and something I felt I’d been missing for much longer. “I’m kidding! It’s just you were asleep, you looked too cute to wake up, and well… It just gets so unimaginably boring in there, you know? I didn’t have my phone with me and nobody ever brought me it, so all I could do was lay around and try and sleep in between visits from other people.”

My face was still horribly red. I hadn’t visited any sketchy sites on my phone in a long time, but it still held all sorts of secrets: games I didn’t want anyone to know I played, embarrassing attempts at selfies I regrettably put off deleting, texts with a cringe-inducing overuse of emojis, among other things.

Normally I would have trusted Sayori to be understanding about whatever she found on there, but this past week had been such a whirlwind that my brain was now concocting all sorts of doomsday scenarios and things I could have done on there that may or may not have actually happened.

“I accidentally clicked on your browser history trying to look up some funny videos, and I guess my curiosity got the better of me. Ehehe~”

I let out a deep breath. _First chance I get, that phone is getting a password._ “What did you find?”

She didn’t answer me at first. Instead she kissed me on the lips, more gently than last time. Another thing I didn’t expect, but this one felt much better.

Blood pooled in her cheeks as she craned her neck towards me and smiled. Okay, this one was genuine. A good sign.

“I found out that after I screamed at you and then ran away into my house, you didn’t hold it against me for putting you on the spot like that, even though you should have. I found out that after your first visit in the hospital didn’t go so well, you spent the night researching depression so you could try and understand me a little better. I found out that you asked questions on fourteen different forums about depression. I found out that in that time, all you could think about was how you could help others. You have such a good heart, Anon.”

Another smile. Another lovely kiss on my cheek. I wasn’t sure how comfortable I was with the fact that she went through my phone on an impulse, but my breath steadied with the knowledge that she didn’t find anything bad.

“And I feel like I should be mad at you for spending so much effort on me,” she continued. “Normally I probably would be. But no matter how much I believed that I wasn’t worth it, well, I guess something about hearing you say ‘no’ a hundred times made me think you actually meant it. I think it started to sink in that time.”

She sighed. Her smile receded a bit.

“I feel selfish for all this. But I don’t think my heart will stop racing like it is unless I hear it straight from you, once and for all. Do you _really_ think I’m worth it?”

“Is-“ I start to reply, but stop. “Is this a _joke_? Sayori, come on! I. Love. You. If you don’t understand that by now, I’m thinking I have to take you back to the hospital for another brain test. And here I thought you didn’t want to go back there.”

“Mm,” she hummed, frowning slightly at the mention of the hospital. “I’m glad. Really, I’m glad. Maybe I just like hearing it coming from you. It helps remind me how lucky I really am. I don’t know if I believe in God or miracles or what, but if just one thing had gone differently that night, I’d be… Well, we wouldn’t be together.”

Her eyes started to tear up, as did mine. I couldn’t stand to hear how easily I could’ve lost her.

She turned to me, her face grave. “I know this isn’t the end, Anon. You’ve only broken through the rainclouds, but they’ll be back. They’ll always be back. And…I know there’ll be awful days still, days where I want to die again. It could even be tomorrow.” Sayori placed her hand over my mouth, muffling my objections. “It’s okay, Anon. It’s just the reality of my depression. I hate it, but I accept it. But…”

Sayori moved her hand from my mouth.

“I want you to promise me something,” she began. “If I ever get that way again, I need you. I need you to remind me of a happy memory of us, or something fun we have planned for later. Or just be with me. Nobody breaks up the rainclouds like you do. And I know for a fact…”

She laid her head on my chest again, feeling my heartbeat. I caught an intoxicating whiff of her conditioner.

“…that if I had to pick between wanting to die and wanting to see you? You’d win every time.”

My heart fluttered. _What could I do but agree?_ “I promise.”

I drum up the courage to ask the question weighing heavily on my mind.

“Does it…bother you?” I broached the subject cautiously. “Being in here, I mean? This is the first time you’ve been in here since before you went to the hospital.”

She pondered the question for a while.

“It does,” she murmured into my ear. “I think if I was in here by myself, I’d have left a long time ago.”

Sayori looked down at me, with a blue fire in her eyes I don’t see often. “But this time will be different.” Her voice grew more forceful. “I have you, and I have so many good memories of spending time with you. As long as I have those, I can get through anything. I won’t let the rainclouds win again.”

I wasn’t sure whether to be proud or concerned. For now, I could only be in awe. “I love you, Sayori. Forever.”

“And I love you, Anon. Forever and ever. It still hurts, to think about what I tried to do in here. I don’t know if I’ll ever forget that. But you know what?”

Her lips met mine again, and this time, it wasn’t one-sided. We pulled apart after a breathless eternity, our cheeks red as a tomato.

“This will make a much better memory. And I could never hurt myself in the room where I finally kissed the love of my life on the lips.”

She giggled despite herself, and I couldn’t help but laugh, too. We had already given each other many happy memories. Right now, we were giving each other another. And there would be no shortage of them in the future, I could tell. Sayori would live the rest of her life as a happy woman if I had any say in it.

This poem might never actually be finished. There are always new verses to write.

**Author's Note:**

> Finally posted it here! Tightened up the dialogue because I hated some of it. If it's worth doing, it's worth doing obsessively, so I stretched the story across over 20,000 words. Our cinnabun deserves to be loved and cherished. 
> 
> Hope you guys enjoy it! Reviews are the highlight of my day.


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